Jason - Prayer

On the writing

The writing these few weeks has been hard.  I have been on tour, which mean my normal writing time is completely gone and I have to give up sleep to get the time I did.  This though, was a prayer, so I used my evening to focus on what my prayer was before God, heavily about my children, and tried to write segments of it in a cohesive way.  So, the final result feels a little disjointed, but is my prayer as a Father, for me and for my children.  Probably not my best work, but it is honest and hopefully makes a little sense to a reader.

My Prayer

God the Father,

I lift these difficult words to you as a Father. I am a man who is broken and worried about his children. It is like my brain engages, but the gears are stripped so they spin and smoke, work but make no progress. I know it is because it is not your spirit I have clung to in this regard, but my own fumbling control. As you know I feel the great weight of responsibility, but in trying to take control, I sin. I ruin the very gifts you have given me. I pray that you will take control of my thoughts and actions, that you will change the fruit I bear.

I ask that you increase my love for you. That I can be genuine in my appreciation of all you do for me. That the heat of the sun and cool of the night become your embrace. That you would soften me, make it so I can feel your love for me. Show me the love of a father for his children and then show me how to show that love. As the basis of all I do as a Father, let my heart overflow with pure love for my children.

You know that we have hurt, that we walk the graveyard and grieve. I wonder how you feel, if you feel when you see our sorrow. I imagine that you have compassion and cry with us, but I know this is not your plan, not the fruit you want me to bear. Let that sorrow, those dying dreams, be replaced with Joy. Let me be invigorated with your promises. Let that joy spill over onto my kids. Let our lives be characterized by laughter, as opposed to tears. We will never forget, we will never be unwounded, but let it not rule us.

You see my restlessness, the sleepless nights. You see the churning of my mind over all I can not control. You watch me grip and plan for nothing. You watch my worry and know how it is so wrong headed. I know how it too could hurt my children, damage their trust, push them away. That they imitate my worry or shed it by shedding me. I pray that restlessness would be replaced with peace, that I develop complete trust in you. I want to be transformed by you. I pray that that peace will characterize who I am as a father, that when my children need comfort they would come to me as I am trying to relearn to come to you.

You know my heart and how quickly it lashes out when I am disappointed, how rarely I wait for you when I should. You see how it causes me to backpedal and the apologize. I pray for the patience to wait for you before I act or respond. That you would hold my tongue so I would not hurt my friends, or family. Let me be patient when I must desire action and answers. Let me learn how to wait on you, to be obedient to your direction.

You know the pride I have taken in my insensitivity. How I favored, even before I lost my wife, to not feel, to rationalize. In some way, some good ways, that has changed. I feel the ways you are transforming me. You have used this to make me a better father to my children and friend to those nearby. In some ways though I can see that hardness coming back or even growing. That the scar of my loss becomes the excuse. I pray that you would peel the hardened scars and make me sensitive to those around. I don’t want my words to lose the wisdom or truth you have given me, but i want them to be covered with kindness. Let me not just council my children, but comfort them as well.

Lord you know all of my wrongs, how they are rooted in Selfishness and Pride. I ask you to reveal them to me and cause me to hate them. Let me see them clearly, the way you see them. Let me see them without the clouds of a twisted mind. I want you to take those many sins and show me how to twist them back into something good. Let my sins not become the sins of my children. Instead show me how to teach them your ways, ways to honor you.

You know the way I used to take pride in the way I trusted you, scoffing at the worry of others, how I would point out your sovereignty in the face of their fear, You know how the security of that foundation has been damaged, the way I have so strongly come to distrust you. You know how it breaks me to think about the pain of enduring your “good”. This loss of faith cripples me. It causes me to seek to gain control for myself. I tear myself in two, and my convulsions of distrust hurt my relationship with everyone, especially my children. Hold back my fingers gripping for that control and instead let me learn to surrender to you again. Let me not just desire to be faithful, but be overflowing with faithfulness. Let that faith be not just the cornerstone of my relationship with you, but also of that with my children.

I know in the way I handle things I am often rough. Lord you watch me as I speak not just directly, but sometime without consideration. You see me hurt people, when I don’t mean to. You watch me fumble with compassion when it comes to the pains of my children. I ask you to plant in me a seed of gentleness, that I might be able to temper my words, that I can handle rightly those that are hurt. Let me use wisdom that I might offer that gentleness to my children when they need it, that I can see when they are hurt or sensitive. Also, I ask, that they too learn to be gentle with each other, that they can be each others support in times of need.

Lord you know the way my mind takes my impulses, the way an idea will give birth to an ill conceived action. I say things I should not, flirt with danger and corruption, drive for what I selfishly want. You know the way the can cause me to say things to my children I should not, let my anger vent when I don’t know the details and how I can judge them when I should be a listener. Take this impulsiveness away, remove that desire to act and implant in me self-control. Let that be how I parent my children and let them too gain the discipline.

I ask that you take these broken words and hear my heart, that you allow me to bear the fruit you would have me to bear and as a father you show me how to train up my children that they too would bear the fruit you desire. I ask in all these things your will be done. Amen