2016 - Jason

Major News

The 10 articles that most represent 2016 will shock and appall you. Do you remember when that homeless man turned out to be Rob Zombie? How about when Casey Anthony opened a daycare in Florida? 2016 will be a year of infamy! Read below to find out why.

In January we saw actor Bill Murray announces his 2016 Presidential Run. Perhaps it was because of his go at being FDR in Hyde Park on Hudson, but this seems to be a huge mistake. We don’t want an actor acting as a dead president. We want an actor acting as a fictional, but kick butt president like Independence Day, Bill Pullman. Nice way to start 2016. http://abcnews.com.co/actor-bill-murray-announces-2016-presidential-run/

In February we saw discrimination take a dark turn, from the usual brand of sexual or cultural discrimination to that against either the homeless or aging rockers. Honestly, it is a little hard to tell. The same group that has let a confused Keanu Reeves and a, I just slept on the beach, Nick Nolte in seems to have changes their policies. Just last year they let Keith Richards, who was accidentally panhandling, but this year Rob Zombie got tackled to the ground. It turns out they thought he was a homeless man. http://heaviermetal.net/security-detail-tackles-homeless-man-on-oscars-red-carpet-turns-out-to-be-rob-zombie

King had no idea what they had done in 2012 when they launched Candy Crush. I don’t think they could have predicted the people who have tried to drive and play or the amount of work productivity which would be lost to this fiendish release. But they did everything to get all of my friends to send me request after blasted request. So, I think it is possible they should be held responsible for the woman who murdered their roommate after sending too many. https://thevalleyreport.com/2016/03/08/woman-murders-college-roommate-for-sending-too-many-candy-crush-requests/

In March we heard that in Zimbabwe a Pride of lions killed 5 poachers and injured 3 others. Which some of you probably think is a good thing, but this might have been a setup for one of the 2016 tragedies of the year. This is not confirmed, but I strongly suspect the 6th poacher got a job in a Cincinnati and had to wait 2 months before he got his revenge. That gorilla had not sent a single Candy Crush request. Thanks, 2016. http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/zimbabwe-pride-of-lions-kills-5-poachers-and-injures-3-others/

We saw an explanation for so much behavior when we learned in April that Los Angeles tap water contained 12% Xanax and 4% OxyCodone. This seems so wasteful when you consider the skyrocketing cost of drugs, but can you imagine how relaxing that bath would be? In 2016 this became the fuel the drove George Takei's Twitter feed.
http://www.satiratribune.com/2016/04/13/los-angeles-tap-water-contains-12-xanax-4-oxycodone/

It was 2013 when the Black Lives Matter movement started, but it really didn’t get much attention until the end of 2015 and by 2016 the size and attention caused some very dark things. Protests got out of had and it took on elements of anti-police. I understand the anger and the point, but it is possible 19 women in a freezer with BLM carvings might be a little too far. 2016 even ruined protesting! http://tmzhiphop.com/police-find-19-white-female-bodies-in-freezers-with-black-lives-matter-carved-into-skin/

Here is a tip, 2016, the problem with combining Fight Club and toddlers is toddlers can’t keep the first rule of fight club. As a parent who has had toddlers I can tell you the number one way to get them to talk about something is to ask them not to talk about it. You didn’t understand that, ddid you? So, in June we had a daycare busted for just this! http://www.celebtricity.com/daycare-busted-running-toddler-fightclub-parents-outraged/

Also in June we had all the conservative and religious right people shift into the Donald Trump camp. You might think this was simply an any Hillary movement. I get that. But it was a bit far that religious leaders suggested death camps for anyone who did not support. I guess this explains so much. It worked. http://bizstandardnews.com/2016/07/23/graham-says-christians-must-support-trump-or-face-death-camps/

As if Fightclub Daycare was not bad enough, in August Casey Anthony, who you might remember killed her own daughter to be free of parental responsibilities, started a home daycare. This was in Florida, of course. I guess 2016 was also the year not to have small children. http://thebostontribune.com/casey-anthony-obtains-florida-business-license-for-home-daycare/

In September, after a swell of support for Trump, rather than stand by the long standing principle of peaceful transition of power, President Obama said he would refuse to leave if Trump won. While I am totally opposed to this, I think I could make an exception if he did it using a wall he forced Trump to pay for. - http://www.burrardstreetjournal.com/obama-refusing-to-leave-if-trump-elected/

While Killer Clowns are not a new thing, this year they seemed to be worse than ever. It was like a sadistic joke from a year of sadistic jokes. There were groups of clowns, harlequinades, who would go about scaring kids near schools. As a response, anti-harlequinade groups formed. But, of course this was 2016, so in October a woman with too much makeup mistaken As clown. https://www.dailyfinesser.com/woman-with-too-much-makeup-mistaken-as-clown-attacked-by-angry-mob/

2016 seemed to be unsafe for anyone, not just rockers and poachers, kids and gorillas, but it inappropriate touching was all the rage. This was not limited to what was going on in 2016, but it was time to reveal everything. Who touched who and when. This culminated in October when Rupaul claimed Trump touched him inappropriately in the 1990s. http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/rupaul-claims-trump-touched-him-inappropriately-in-the-1990s/

For my final evidence of how bad 2016 was, I bring you racism at the highest level of government. You might think with our first African-American president and the moves that have been made for tolerance and bringing everyone together. With Coexist stickers and Ally programs and the inclusion of all people into racial movements this would never happen. But this was 2016! So, in November we hear Hillary Caught On Hot Mic Trashing Beyonce’ With RACIAL SLURS! http://thelastlineofdefense.org/woah-hillary-caught-on-hot-mic-trashing-beyonce-with-racial-slurs/


2017 has got to get better!

Note: For those people who made it all the way to the end, every one of these articles is completely fake, they are generated from place who are known to make fake news. The real tragedy of 2016 was that every one of these was shared more than 200,000 times on Facebook by people who believed they were real. Don’t be one of those people.