Friday, January 27, 2017

Justin - Board Game Battle

Prepare, prepare the table for our war,
Bring forth the chips, tossed in a plastic bowl;
Th’ Angel of War has set the table well,
And placed the field upon the darken’d boards!
Prepare, prepare!


Prepare your minds for Death has come! Prepare
Your hearts for fight, your face to hide your hand;
Prepare your wits to crush your faml’y foes;
Prepare your nerve to lose to little bro!
Prepare, prepare!


Whose turn to move is now? Methinks ‘tis mine!
What should I do, why faileth plotting mind?
Had I more rooms, to guide where I should go,
And guess, and blame, about the bloodied house.
Prepare, prepare!


The weapon of the guilty still to find;
The Angel of Death hiding in the crowd!
Six suspects seeking clues in ev'ry room,
Racing to be the first to solve the crime!
Prepare, prepare!


Players, prepare! Your cause is bragging rights;
Players, prepare! Force others to reveal;
Prepare to guard the knowledge that you have;
Prepare to strike when all has been made clear!
Prepare, prepare!


Body shall smile, and know he is avenged;
When the case is solved and the cards revealed,
The file opened: suspect, weapon, room,
And the victory claimed by one of six!
Prepare, prepare!

Jason - Board Game



Battle Plan for Survivors

Despair, despair the clawing at the door,
With pan in hand, there must be something more;
I’ll search each round until a gun I find,
What have I done? That’s not a pile of rags!
Despair, despair!

Despair and fear a walker’s lurching hand.
I kick and run, to Wanda, Ned and Doug,
Prepared with arms for glorious victory;
Prepared with food, I hope they’ll rescue me!
Despair, despair!

Whose clumsy roll is that? It must be mine!
The word which slip, They are not suitable.
Had I three tries, a six could not be found,
And come, more dead, now bloated ones as well.
Despair, despair!

The pistols of our Sheriff Phil are drawn!
Returns the dead back down into the ground!
Drawn to the sound, they seek a meal of flesh.
And walk to us, a rotten, shambling, lot!
Despair, despair!

Chainsaw, prepare! Get into Amy’s hands.
Sawed-off, prepare! So now we’ll bring the fight!
Prepare to meet the grey ones in the street.
Prepare! Survive! That no one dies today!
Despair, despair!

We move as one, the dead ones fall away.
The six of us, open the final door,
And spawn the rooms, to see what fate does bring,
Abomb! Oh no! We can’t yet fight this foe!
Despair, despair!

Friday, January 20, 2017

Jason - Mundane






Weekly Grocery Trip

To the market go I, as the cupboards are bare,
It had been but a week since I last had been there.
In a ritual way, must we drive round the lot,
Like a shark in the sea ‘til there opens a spot.
Now to some this must be an incredible bore,
“Not that daunting,” think I of my trips to the store.
As the door made of glass made a rapid retreat,
I could see all the produce my kids like to eat.
From the Honeycrisp apples to lettuce, Romaine.
Would they still be all eaten or taste on the wane?
The bananas, if green, would be perfect by lunch.
While they be hit or miss, baby carrots add crunch.
From the fresh land of leaves where my journey did start,
Sojourn deeper within as I’m filling my cart.
And the next stop to make is the aisle of bread,
Which once home never lasts, quite as long as it should.
Now a Reuben on Rye is a fantastic thing,
But it fails to bring joy if that loaf I so bring.
No they want something sweet without too many seeds,
Like Hawaiian or a wheat, which will just meet our needs.
With the cart now weighed down with the bread of our choice,
It’s the contents inside which I now must be moist.
From the honey kissed ham to the foul touch with smoke,
I am looking for meat which my hunger does stoke.
And then salsa, then yogurt, granola, then chips.
I find Cinnamon swirls then my willpower slips.
One more row I walk down where the air has a chill,
With the colorful cartons which give me a thrill.
Then the sale price I see, pick up two for just five,
I think two is so few so at four I arrive.
I get Chocolate Chip and then two of the S’mores,
So I dream of vanilla and exit the doors.

Justin - Grocery Poem

Through the Market
As I walk to the doors, the glass panes slide apart;
To the left, I reach out for the handle of cart.
I am here on a mission, and hope for a deal;
Here to gather the items for this evening’s meal.
For salad to start, grab two bags from a roll,
A red onion and spinach to put in my bowl.
And some feta on top, and maybe black beans;
Or would olives be better to mix with my greens?
And now to the pasta, farfalle or shells?
(spaghetti is boring but bowties do well)
Some tomatoes to crush, stewed whole in the can,
And we’ll top it all off with a nice parmesan.
For meat in the sauce, some sausage with spice,
And compared to plain burger, it’s lower in price.
Now for bread, what of bread? Should I get garlic bread?
Just more carbs for the carbs; let’s say no to the bread.
But now how should we finish this gathering feast?
Something sweet with the coffee at the very least.
But what for dessert; a soufflé or a tart?
A tart seems too rustic, a soufflé too much art.
Now I hear echoed wisdom come back to me now:
“If you call it dessert then it must have cacao”
So then chocolate it is, but what should it be?
French silk seems too grand; Jello pudding too wee.
Then I hear singing angels and their song brings a smile,
“Haeagen-Dazs” so I head to the frozen food aisle.
So the basket contains all I needed to fill
Minus wine; thanks to Brigham, a separate bill.
To the checkout I go, I am ready to dine,
But now which of these aisles will be the best line.
Oh now who am I joking, I cannot choose right,
The one that looks fastest could be here all night.
So I must take a moment to surveil the score,
A wrong choice could cost twenty minutes or more.
I could go for the shortest: the checker’s quite old,
When he’s done with his story my cheese will be mold.
I could go for the next, but is that a trainee?
By the time I’m rung up I will def have to pee.
And then there’s the ice cream we must think about;
I should hope it’s still solid while I’m heading out.
So I look to the third line, I’ve seen her before,
She’ll scan quickly, bag smartly, get me out the door.
And she’ll do it while chatting with a friendly smile,
So then this is my choice I step into her aisle.
The line dwindles quickly, I’m ready on deck,
Says the woman before me “Can I write a check?”

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Justin - FDR


Franklin D. Roosevelt's paralytic illness began in 1921, when the future President of the United States was 39 years of age and vacationing with his family at their summer home on Campobello Island. Roosevelt was diagnosed with poliomyelitis two weeks after he fell ill. He was left with permanent paralysis from the waist down, and was unable to stand or walk without support (though some anonymous eyewitness accounts dispute this.) Despite the lack of a cure for paralysis he tried a wide range of therapies and was rumored to have met with inventor and industrialist Howard Stark. His belief in the benefits of hydrotherapy led him to found a center at Warm Springs, Georgia, in 1926. He laboriously taught himself to walk very short distances while wearing iron braces on his hips and legs by swiveling his torso, supporting himself with a cane, and he was careful never to be seen using his wheelchair in public. His bout with illness was well known before and during his Presidency and became a major part of his image, but the extent of his paralysis was kept from public view. A 2003 retrospective diagnosis of FDR's illness favored Guillain–Barré syndrome rather than polio, a conclusion criticized by other researchers.

Warm Springs

October 3, 1924 was the first time Roosevelt traveled to Warm Springs, Georgia and it soon became his home away home.[19] For many years to come Warm Springs would be where Franklin would retreat in comfort and do rehab for his legs.[19] It was here that Howard Stark reportedly delivered Roosevelt’s first set of “steel braces.”[citation needed] At Warm Springs they practiced hydrotherapy.[19] On April 29, 1926 he bought the center with the intention of making it into a rehabiliation place to for polio patients.[19] Roosevelt had high hopes for the center but abandoned them to focus on his main goal in life, being the President.[19] [fact checking needed]

Howard Stark

The Roosevelt and Stark families had ties going back for generations, therefore many scholars attribute no special relevance to the inventor meeting with the Roosevelt before he became President. Some conspiracy theorists point to a few anomalous stories from anonymous witnesses, witnesses that later recant or otherwise change their story or witnesses that have been deemed unreliable.

·         When using his early “braces,” multiple witnesses claim to have heard “queer machine like noises” coming from Roosevelt’s legs.

·         Multiple people purportedly witnessed Roosevelt walking alone at night outside. All claimed it appeared a “natural walk” not the stiff legged walk of the braces.

·         An aide, in the first edition of his memoirs, repeatedly referenced Roosevelt “pacing in the Oval Office” and other standing and walking. He later claimed that he “saw the President as a giant,” and “with his energy and intellect, I did not see him as disabled.” (Later editions fix all such discrepencies.)

·         A Soviet defector claimed to have witnessed an act of “super-human strength” at the  Tehran Conference.

White House staff and Secret Service that served during Roosevelt’s time all claimed “confidentiality” when asked about his disability.

Assault on Stalin (excerpt from page on the Tehran Conference)

The conference was to convene at 16:00 on 28 November 1943. Stalin arrived well before, followed by Roosevelt, brought in his wheelchair from his accommodation adjacent to the venue. Roosevelt, who had traveled 7,000 miles (11,000 km) to attend and whose health was already deteriorating, was met by Stalin. This was the first time that they had met. Churchill, walking with his general staff from their accommodations nearby, arrived half an hour later.[4]
During first day, Stalin repeatedly complained that a “bear”(himself) should have to negotiate with “a half man”(Roosevelt.) After hours of such insults and little progress, Roosevelt gave a lengthy speech about “the difficulty in appearing strong, but not too strong” before standing and driving his heel through the thick oak seat of Stalin’s chair, shattering it. Afterwards, negotiations went smoothly and Stalin would refer to Roosevelt admiringly as “a bear disguised as a mouse.” [citation needed]

Friday, January 13, 2017

Jason - Pliny the Elder



Pliny

Pliny the Younger had no idea he would be lying about the death of his much loved Uncle in just a few hours. He drew a cool and lazy bath to escape the heat of the day, just as he had done the day before. Water was one of the nice things about being at his Uncle’s villa in the town of Misenum. It seemed when you wanted it the water was always cool, or warm, or precisely what you needed at the time. He tired from studying all morning and this would be a short reprieve before he was back at it. His Uncle, also called Pliny, would not let his education falter. He had to get his work done. It was for that reason when the cloud of unusual size and appearance vaulted into the sky the elder nearly insisted the younger go with him. “This is important enough for closer inspection and a good topic for an essay,” he insisted.

The cloud looked white in places, but blotched and dirty in others. It was as an enormous umbrella pine, rising in great height on a twisting trunk and the branches of clouds coming off from it. The younger stared into it. There was something heaving and unnatural. Something lurked. So, he told his uncle he would remain to complete his studies and that seemed enough to pacify the older man. Had he said he was afraid he certainly would be boarding a boat.

Just as the two concluded their conversation a messenger, fleet of foot, came running up. It was a short note from Rectina, the wife of Tascus to Pliny the Elder. Her home, Pliny knew, was at the foot of the great mountain. This was the very same mountain, which the truck of cloud was now ascending from. She wrote that her husband was away and she felt she was in great danger and the only escape was by boat. When she had realized she was in trouble and the only way out was by sea, he was the only person she could imagine being able to help her. For as long as anyone could remember the water bent to his will. With just his presence it seemed no oar or breeze was needed to move him across great bodies of water. They whispered of him behind his back, but they knew he was a good man.

It had been too long, the old man thought. Too much time behind a desk getting fat and weak. Today, though, he again could be the hero. It would be many more than Rectina he would save, he thought. He ordered all of the warboats under his command be launched. The coast, now darkening in the shade of this strange cloud, was normally beautiful and heavily populated. With Nero gone he need not fear drawing attention to himself, so off he went.

As a personal friend of the Emperor and respected Naval commander, the boats were prepared very quickly. By now it was clear that something was very wrong. Perhaps the gods were at war or great cataclysm was upon them. No matter, he would not be deterred. He was headed to a place more dangerous than any he had ever been. Pliny, though, was with fear. The odd bluish marks on his neck and right arm seemed to dance with the movement of the water beneath the boats. He held to the wood rail and the vessels rushed toward the homes along the coast, to the communities of Pompeii, Herculaneum and Stabiae.

As they got close the first ashes started falling, light at first then thicker and then hotter. It was as if they were thrusting themselves into the chimney of an active oven. This was followed by light hail of pumice and blackened stones. And all at once it was like the water fell away and debris from the mountain blocked the path. The helmsman of the boat begged for his life, begged to return. Pliny the Elder would not hear of it. Just as he was chosen as a child, there would almost certainly be one here to choose as well.

“The lady fortune stands with those of courage. Make for the landing between Pompeii and Stabiae.” With the that he raised his hands and almost as if by his command the water again rose around the hull of the ship. This was not his first time piloting a ship under Pliny’s command and he knew there was no point in debating. Even before taking this position there had been conversations of the one who had been touched by Neptune. You could argue, but the sea would take you where he wished. It was as a servant to him. While this looked looked like the great mountain itself was trying to rain down on them, the sea had always protected them.

The helmsman turned the rudder and the ship sped to the coast through thickening ash. It was raining down, like black hot snow. The waters of the coast had become a muddy froth. The blast of heat was hardly bearable. This was not at all what the old man had expected. He was hoping to be a hero here. He was hoping to save a good number of his friends and countrymen, but Vesuvius was not under his sway and he doubted he could get them to the sea. Even before the worst, he felt most of them would be lost. At this point he would just be looking to make a few Foundlings.

A Foundling was the truth of what he was. He had not been kissed by Neptune, nor was he the child of Poseidon, nor was he any of the other rumors he had heard about his strange luck at sea. It was true it bent to his whim, as all water did, but it was a gift. Gaius, a man of wealth, had been known to him as he owned significant land around Lake Como, where Pliny had grown up. He remembered asking his mother about his unusual markings as he watched him dart through the water. Her silencing him was one of Pliny’s last memories of her. His birth family had boarded, with several other families, a fairly large boat to cross to the opposite side of the lake. It was meant to be some kind of special social occasion. The wood creaked and the warm air felt good, but when the main beam broke and the timbers splintered, the water seemed cold and dangerous. It was not like one of their big baths. It swallowed them. Devouring, pulling the people apart and under. There was screams and gurgles. Then, as if produced by the lake, Gaius was there. He whispered some strange phrase in young Pliny’s ear while grasping him at the nape of the neck. “With this mark you hold the keys to the flood gates of heaven.” Then, without struggle or stroke, he was on top of the water, able to move where he wished. He had little control, being so young, but he was safe. A Foundling, Gaius had explained in later years, as he tried to guide him in the way as best he could. A sort of protector. Not all of them had the ability to share the gift, as Gaius did, but that wasn’t the point. The most common protection was just being there to stop a shipwreck, hold off a flood, or simply prevent a drowning. It was why the Aristocrat had spent so much time in the lake. He was just protecting. He cared for the people. He had cared to for Pliny.

But that was many years ago and now was not the time for nostalgia. Pliny jumped the rail at the side of the boat and a swell of water carried him to the shore. It carried him into Hades. He turned and he could barely see the ship he had just jumped from, it was in the black fog of the mountain. “Go” he shouted and pushed the ships away on a wave of water. He hoped that they would be able to get away, but this was like nothing he ever experienced. Perhaps like nothing anyone had ever experienced.

Initially he took cover under a seaside tree by the port, but as he watched the piles of stones grow he know he had to move. This would be devastating. With the flurry of his hand, a flat disk of water started swirling above the head of Pliny. It made it so when a stone, which would have hit him rained down, it was deflected by the quickly moving water and dropped off to one side of him. If the stones got much larger, this would not work, but this would be enough for him, for now. So, doing the best he could to bring a piece of the sea with him, he waded through the mounds of pumice stone. They were hot, nearly burning him through his sandals, so he moved quickly to the more endangered city of Pompeii.

He had felt the rumbling over the last few days, but that was much different than the shocks of the shifting earth here. When the first one came just as he was entering the border of the city and it nearly knocked him prone onto the hot stones which had piled up beneath him. What worried him was, even though he couldn’t see, he could hear the tiles of the roofs giving way. They weren’t sliding into the street, they were collapsing into the buildings. He was in a nightmare, plunged into darkness, seeing only when a flash of lightning would show him the streets filling with burning pumice. His ears were assaulted by the constant pounding of the stone hail broken only by the wails and groans of the dying. It was the voice of Gaius that kept him moving. He was here to protect, even if that meant just one person.

The first person he found was a girl, probably in her late teens. She had managed to stay in the crook of a building, which had shielded her just enough. Pliny, grabbed her by the nape of the neck, just as Gaius had done him, pulled her to him and whispered just as Gaius has done to him. Nothing happened. He looked at the marks which had formed on his arm at the death of his trainer. The girl’s name had not been added. There was no charge of sharing the gift. She was too old to become a Foundling. She was not a child, but a young woman. His hope very nearly collapsed, if he stayed with her, others would die, if he left her it seemed she would. How to protect her. It was too far to get her to the water. “Stay here,” He told her, “I’ll be back.” Numbly, she obeyed. He couldn’t be certain, but he would try and there was no reason for her to have more fear.

He moved on, ducking his head into the doorway of the next home. The inside had been shattered. The roof had collapsed, crushing the contents, killing a man and a woman on the floor. At first, Pliny looked at the shattered tiles over the crushed bodies and thought it was a total loss. Then he noticed that beneath them something stirred. He lifted a beam and he could see a small boy moving. They must have been shielding him, protecting as parents do, and it worked. He did not know this couple, but they made him think of his own parents. Their love and his loss.

The boy became the sixth foundling Pliny created, but he was not like the rest. The mark looked like the mountain which loomed like a threatening giant above them and his gift seemed to deal more with the earth or stones. Pliny thought is might be an effect of differing humours. As soon as he was created, the stones seemed to cling to him, making a hardened shell. He could freely move, but he seemed nearly impervious to being hurt. He was also, unfortunately, quite heavy. “You need to walk, my child.” Pliny said to him, having to shout over the sound of the disaster. The stone boy, tried to stay with his parents, but Pliny tugged him insistently. There may be others, he thought and that girl will not last on her own. The boy sat down. “Please,” the man begged, “They are gone. We have to go.” He wouldn’t move. His young brain wouldn’t let him understand what happened. With his small, rock covered fingers, he held his mother’s broken hand. Pliny was defeated.

When the scalding mudflows came, filling the crevices between the rock, filling the homes, burning and suffocating those that had survived the rain of rocks and fog of ash, one home was spared. Somehow the mud curved away from the windows and doors. Historians would note that the bones of two adults were found inside, and write theories about why they were different. They would also remark that on that day Pliny the Elder, in an effort to be a hero, was killed as were all the crew of his warships in the eruption of the mountain. They were wrong. At the dawn of first light, before the the third pyroclastic surge, Pliny the Elder holding a small boy and accompanied by a young woman climbed from the ruins of that very building. They moved as quickly as they could from the buried city and to the edge of water. There waiting for them, just as Pliny knew it would be, was a small boat.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Justin's 2016 top 10


2016 was a crazy year, here’s some areas where we really excelled. Number 7 will blow your mind.

1.    Racial Relations

In an effort to respond to the concerns raised by the Black Lives Matter movement, we came up with Blue Lives Matter and All Lives Matter. Nothing more potentially effective was attempted.

2.    Priorities

While not getting riled up en masse about the systemic racism that led to the BLM movement, we made it clear where we draw the line when we lost our minds over a football player kneeling during the national anthem. Disproportional targeting of minorities: meh. Not saluting a piece of cloth before a football game: might as well spit on Jesus’s empty grave.

3.    Political Discourse

Being pushed to the brink of the “lesser of two evils” proposition, 90% of political discussions included the enlightened exchange: “Well they will be better than your guy”, “Nuh-uh.” While no one even attempted to pretend to actually like who they were voting for.

4.    Lengthening Seasons

Not Summer or Fall or even the new TV content season. No, by unpopular demand we managed to extend the election season. Six months into the primaries, I heard it announced that it was the eight year anniversary of Obama announcing his candidacy. I think we can agree, longer is not always better.

5.    Selection

The one advantage of that long process was the ability to shuffle though the 236 potential Republican nominees. Seriously, with one woman and all those men, it was the like the opening to the worst season of The Bachelorette ever. And from what I know of that show, that’s bad.

6.    World Peace

Although it doesn’t seem like our continued efforts in the Middle East are actually helping, we’re not giving up. It’s not who we are. No matter how many times our plotting only makes things worse, we’re still trying, peace is worth it. Bonus this year: our work in Syria has potentially reignited the Cold War with Russia.

7.    Free at last (still)

Somehow, no matter how long Facebook has been planning to go to a pay system, we made it through another year without paying likely because of solid efforts in the copy and paste community.

8.    Statistics

Our statistical prowess has come so far that no matter what you believe, you can skew the numbers to support it. Thanks to Wikipedia “facts” and a little Photoshop meme making magic, you can be fully confident that you’re right.

9.    Award

Awards shows will have to increase the number of prizes “awarded in an earlier ceremony” to make room for the in memoriam sections after Fate was inspired by George R. R. Martin in 2016. On the upside, Betty White made it through.

10. Toasting

On a personal note, after using the opening lines of Counting Crows A Long December for years as my annual New Year’s toast, I have finally moved on as I no longer “have reason to believe that this year will be better than the last.”  

2016 - Jason


Major News

The 10 articles that most represent 2016 will shock and appall you. Do you remember when that homeless man turned out to be Rob Zombie? How about when Casey Anthony opened a daycare in Florida? 2016 will be a year of infamy! Read below to find out why.

In January we saw actor Bill Murray announces his 2016 Presidential Run. Perhaps it was because of his go at being FDR in Hyde Park on Hudson, but this seems to be a huge mistake. We don’t want an actor acting as a dead president. We want an actor acting as a fictional, but kick butt president like Independence Day, Bill Pullman. Nice way to start 2016. http://abcnews.com.co/actor-bill-murray-announces-2016-presidential-run/

In February we saw discrimination take a dark turn, from the usual brand of sexual or cultural discrimination to that against either the homeless or aging rockers. Honestly, it is a little hard to tell. The same group that has let a confused Keanu Reeves and a, I just slept on the beach, Nick Nolte in seems to have changes their policies. Just last year they let Keith Richards, who was accidentally panhandling, but this year Rob Zombie got tackled to the ground. It turns out they thought he was a homeless man. http://heaviermetal.net/security-detail-tackles-homeless-man-on-oscars-red-carpet-turns-out-to-be-rob-zombie

King had no idea what they had done in 2012 when they launched Candy Crush. I don’t think they could have predicted the people who have tried to drive and play or the amount of work productivity which would be lost to this fiendish release. But they did everything to get all of my friends to send me request after blasted request. So, I think it is possible they should be held responsible for the woman who murdered their roommate after sending too many. https://thevalleyreport.com/2016/03/08/woman-murders-college-roommate-for-sending-too-many-candy-crush-requests/

In March we heard that in Zimbabwe a Pride of lions killed 5 poachers and injured 3 others. Which some of you probably think is a good thing, but this might have been a setup for one of the 2016 tragedies of the year. This is not confirmed, but I strongly suspect the 6th poacher got a job in a Cincinnati and had to wait 2 months before he got his revenge. That gorilla had not sent a single Candy Crush request. Thanks, 2016. http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/zimbabwe-pride-of-lions-kills-5-poachers-and-injures-3-others/

We saw an explanation for so much behavior when we learned in April that Los Angeles tap water contained 12% Xanax and 4% OxyCodone. This seems so wasteful when you consider the skyrocketing cost of drugs, but can you imagine how relaxing that bath would be? In 2016 this became the fuel the drove George Takei's Twitter feed.
http://www.satiratribune.com/2016/04/13/los-angeles-tap-water-contains-12-xanax-4-oxycodone/

It was 2013 when the Black Lives Matter movement started, but it really didn’t get much attention until the end of 2015 and by 2016 the size and attention caused some very dark things. Protests got out of had and it took on elements of anti-police. I understand the anger and the point, but it is possible 19 women in a freezer with BLM carvings might be a little too far. 2016 even ruined protesting! http://tmzhiphop.com/police-find-19-white-female-bodies-in-freezers-with-black-lives-matter-carved-into-skin/

Here is a tip, 2016, the problem with combining Fight Club and toddlers is toddlers can’t keep the first rule of fight club. As a parent who has had toddlers I can tell you the number one way to get them to talk about something is to ask them not to talk about it. You didn’t understand that, ddid you? So, in June we had a daycare busted for just this! http://www.celebtricity.com/daycare-busted-running-toddler-fightclub-parents-outraged/

Also in June we had all the conservative and religious right people shift into the Donald Trump camp. You might think this was simply an any Hillary movement. I get that. But it was a bit far that religious leaders suggested death camps for anyone who did not support. I guess this explains so much. It worked. http://bizstandardnews.com/2016/07/23/graham-says-christians-must-support-trump-or-face-death-camps/

As if Fightclub Daycare was not bad enough, in August Casey Anthony, who you might remember killed her own daughter to be free of parental responsibilities, started a home daycare. This was in Florida, of course. I guess 2016 was also the year not to have small children. http://thebostontribune.com/casey-anthony-obtains-florida-business-license-for-home-daycare/

In September, after a swell of support for Trump, rather than stand by the long standing principle of peaceful transition of power, President Obama said he would refuse to leave if Trump won. While I am totally opposed to this, I think I could make an exception if he did it using a wall he forced Trump to pay for. - http://www.burrardstreetjournal.com/obama-refusing-to-leave-if-trump-elected/

While Killer Clowns are not a new thing, this year they seemed to be worse than ever. It was like a sadistic joke from a year of sadistic jokes. There were groups of clowns, harlequinades, who would go about scaring kids near schools. As a response, anti-harlequinade groups formed. But, of course this was 2016, so in October a woman with too much makeup mistaken As clown. https://www.dailyfinesser.com/woman-with-too-much-makeup-mistaken-as-clown-attacked-by-angry-mob/

2016 seemed to be unsafe for anyone, not just rockers and poachers, kids and gorillas, but it inappropriate touching was all the rage. This was not limited to what was going on in 2016, but it was time to reveal everything. Who touched who and when. This culminated in October when Rupaul claimed Trump touched him inappropriately in the 1990s. http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/rupaul-claims-trump-touched-him-inappropriately-in-the-1990s/

For my final evidence of how bad 2016 was, I bring you racism at the highest level of government. You might think with our first African-American president and the moves that have been made for tolerance and bringing everyone together. With Coexist stickers and Ally programs and the inclusion of all people into racial movements this would never happen. But this was 2016! So, in November we hear Hillary Caught On Hot Mic Trashing Beyonce’ With RACIAL SLURS! http://thelastlineofdefense.org/woah-hillary-caught-on-hot-mic-trashing-beyonce-with-racial-slurs/


2017 has got to get better!

Note: For those people who made it all the way to the end, every one of these articles is completely fake, they are generated from place who are known to make fake news. The real tragedy of 2016 was that every one of these was shared more than 200,000 times on Facebook by people who believed they were real. Don’t be one of those people.