Justin - Cooking

About the writing

I had been holding on to the idea of writing an infomercial for a while; when Jason gave the topic of cooking, the time was right. If you’ve watched many infomercials, you may see that I have also. I wanted to touch on things like the cheesy banter between the hosts, the solving of problems that aren’t there,the exaggeration of the problems that are there and the pop science graphics. Because infomercials are visual, description of action and camera was necessary and so this is a fairly long piece. So, around the 1200 word mark I actually ended it at the most famous of all infomercial lines.

I should note, part of my inspiration was Joey’s infomercial about the milk carton from Friends and my Chef Jerry is heavily inspired by the great infomercial Chef Tony.

This was a ton of fun and I probably could have ran it out, but if you’ve seen as many infomercials as I have, you know that 20 minutes of the 30 is a repetition of the first 5 minutes. I didn’t want to tax our readers (or myself) by writing out 30 minutes’ worth of repetition. I’ll leave that for the 2 AM crowd.

Slicker-Coat Cookware

Shot of hand picking up stainless steel skillet from stove, turning pan to dump two fried eggs onto a plate. Eggs do not move. The hand shakes the pan up and down with increasing violence until pan hits the plate breaking it. Yolks of eggs break and drip on broken plate; whites still stuck firmly to the bottom of the pan.
Voice over: Has this ever happened to you? Or this?

Cut to man holding a skillet over a lit gas range. He sprays cooking spray on to the pan which promptly ignites in flame as does his shirt sleeve. He drops the burning pan and runs out of shot waving his arms over his head, still ablaze.

Voice over: There’s got to be a better way.

Cut to studio kitchen where two men stand behind a kitchen island. One is wearing a black shirt and red apron the other a white chef’s jacket and hat.

Fred: There is a better way. Hi, I’m Fred Wertios and this is Chef Jerry and we’re here to talk to you about the best new thing to hit your kitchen since the food processor. Now Jerry, you’re a trained chef, have you ever had problems like the ones we’ve just seen.

Jerry: I sure have Fred, that’s why I worked with a professional chemist to develop the entirely new non-stick coating for my new line of cookware.

Fred: And we’ll hear more about that in just a minute Jerry, but first, let’s talk about what inspired you to solve this age-old problem.

Jerry: Funny you say “age-old” Fred. You know I was talking to this guy that said a friend of his, who is an archeologist, told him that they’ve found shards of pottery cookware in a dig site in Israel that still had eggs sticking on them.

Fred: Wow! That’s something. That’s a real sticky problem.

Jerry: It sure is Fred. Now I remember what grandma used to do is she’d have a can of grease on the stove that she would save from whenever she cooked bacon.

Fred: My grandmother did that too.

Jerry: I’m sure most of our audience’s grandma’s did too.

Cut to studio audience nodding their heads with a few audibly saying “yes”

Jerry: So grandma would just put a spoon of grease in the pan and the eggs wouldn’t stick.

Fred: Right but then your eggs taste like bacon; who wants that?

Jerry: EGGS-actly Fred. You’re sitting there with your sausage gravy and biscuits and the eggs taste like bacon and there’s no bacon on the table.

Fred: Not to mention the added fat.

Jerry: (patting belly) Which most of us don’t need.

Cut to audience chuckling, one woman is patting the belly of her husband, both laughing good naturedly
Fred: That’s why they invented the low fat cooking spray.

Jerry: Oh yeah, house fire in a can I call them

Replays man dropping burning pan and running away ablaze this time in black and white slightly slowed down.

Fred: What do we do Chef; non-stick?

Jerry: If it’s my new Slicker-Coat Xpress, than yes.

Fred: Slicker-Coat Xpress; that sounds expensive. What’s wrong with Teflon?

Jerry: Let’s see

Cut to scene of man stirring a breakfast hash in a Teflon skillet with a metal spatula.

Jerry: (voice over clip) one of the big problems with Teflon is that you are only supposed to use plastic utensils with it, most people don’t even know that. The metal actually chips away the coating and you end up eating the pan.

Camera goes into a close up as the man serves out some of the hash on a plate. Black flakes are clearly visible.

Back to studio.

Fred: Didn’t I read something about Teflon also releasing toxic fumes during cooking.

Jerry: You probably did. But my super polymer developed by a professional chemist is not only slipperier than Teflon, it also has shown no signs of breaking down throughout most of your average thermal cooking range.

Fred: That’s very comforting. I mean, I have kids, I don’t want them eating polymers or breathing them.

Jerry: And now they won’t have to. With my new Slicker-Coat Xpress pans.

Jerry holds up a 12” stainless skillet with an orange surface inside.

Fred: That pan has to cost at least $100.

Jerry: Will talk about cost in a bit, Fred. Let’s talk about breakfast.

Jerry places the pan on the cooktop and cracks in 2 eggs. Turning up the heat.

Fred: While I’m waiting for my breakfast, let’s see how this works.

Animation of a metallic surface cutaway with multiple grooves.

Voice Over: metal has natural scratches and grooves that catch onto food while cooking.

Close up of skillet from opening scene being shaken with eggs sticking firm now in black and white and slightly slowed.

Back to animation no showing yellow coating filling grooves and covering surface.

Voice Over: Oils and grease fills these grooves, but what about the taste.

Cut to man taking a mouthful of eggs, making a face like he just smelled a fart and spitting the eggs all over the table.

Animation now black balls are rolling over the top of surface occasionally melting into a groove, but most stay on top.
Voice Over: Teflon coating smoothed out that surface some, but the molecules were too big to fill them all.

Black balls are replaced with slightly orange balls that bounce around and then melt into all the grooves.The animation flashes and the word “Slicker-Coat” appears above the surface.
Back to studio kitchen.

Jerry: Now watch this.

Jerry picks up the pan off of the cooktop and starts swirling> Cut to close up of pan as eggs move freely in a circle around the pan.

Jerry: No tests have indicated that this surface will scratch or flake; it’s a brand new product! So

A metal spatula enters the shot and turns one of the eggs. A slight orange tint is visible on the cooked side.
Jerry: Metal is completely ok to use.

Fred: I noticed the egg is orangish in color.

Cut to wide shot

Jerry: That’s the color of a natural egg not tainted by greases of Teflon. If you could cook an egg without using any pan at all, that’s what it would look like.

Fred: Wow! I never knew that.

Jerry: How could you? This is new technology. This is the nearest we will ever come to a non-surface to cook in. Are you ready to taste what an egg should taste like?

Jerry puts the eggs on 2 plates. They each take one and a fork and take a bite.

Fred: It’s like nothing I’ve ever tried before. If this is what an egg is supposed to taste like, I’ve never had eggs before.

Jerry: And remember, there is no evidence of flaking or scratching and this polymer has shown no signs of break down throughout most of the average cooking thermal range and no proven links to irritable bowel or colon cancer.

Fred: That really is a great comfort, but can I afford it?

Jerry: For just 3 easy payments of $29.99 how can you afford to pass it up?

Fred: 3 easy payments of $29.99

Jerry: But wait; there’s more….