Jason - Fairytale

On the writing:

The fun in writing a Seinfeld skit is the dialog. The show really nails a flowing and funny banter that has a personality all it’s own. That made it a little hard to pick a fairytale to riff with, but when I considered the things George, Elaine, Kramer and Jerry could get into I thought, “Rat extermination,” So, with that thought in mind I selected the Pied Piper. I am certainly no Larry David or Jerry Seinfeld, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.

Pied Piper’s Bad Ending

Scene opens in Jerry’s apartment. Jerry and George on the couch. Elaine is on the arm of the chair and Kramer is going through Jerry’s fridge.

Kramer - (kicks the door) I think the milk has gone bad! (puts the milk back in the fridge)

Jerry - Than don’t put it back in there. Is there something wrong with the food in your own fridge.

George - You still have the little… you know.

Elaine - What?

George - You don’t know?

Elaine - Know what?

George - Rats!

Elaine - Rats?

Kramer - Yeah, Rats. I had fridge rats.

Elaine - fridge rats?

Jerry - What is a fridge rat?

Kramer - It is what the guy from Pied Piper called them?

Jerry - You paid didn’t you?

George - Don’t pay that guy, he has you convinced there are fridge rats. Who ever heard of fridge rats?

Kramer - I haven’t paid him yet.

George - Don’t!

Jerry - Uh, oh. You know what happened the last time someone didn’t pay a Pied Piper.

George - Stupidest Fairytale ever! I mean they guy is brilliant, does and bang up job and then the village won’t pay. Why won’t they pay? They not like his tune? Picky about the hours he kept? What? It’s not like he not some guy acting like an expert, curing fridge rats. Don’t pay that fridge rat pied piper.

Elaine - The village was cheap, like you, George.

George - I'm not cheap.

Kramer - Cheap?

Elaine - Yeah, they didn’t pay because they were cheap.  Real cheap.  Your friend who is slow to the wallet, cheap.

Jerry - But he got his revenge, didn’t he?

George - But it doesn’t make any sense. Why take the kids? If you think you were poor when you didn’t get paid .. Baaaah! Stupid!

Elaine - You guys wrote a pilot. How would you end it?

Jerry - It was a show about nothing.  Really, just pitched an idea, about a show about nothing.

Elaine - It’s just a fairy tale. Come on, it’ll be fun.

Kramer starts pacing behind the couch.

Kramer - I can see it now. The rats are gone, the flute music is still in the air and they won’t pay. He’s mad. Real mad. (getting louder) Oh, boy he’s mad.

George - Yeah, yeah, yeah.  So he starts plotting. (He starts talking with his hands, swirling around his head) He gets thinking, what does he have? He has his flute playing.

Jerry - But, he’s done the flute thing. The flute thing is boring. It’s loud pest control.

Elaine - He’s got rats.

Kramer - Dozens of them.

Elaine - Thousands of them.

George - Perhaps he can do something with them. Maybe he is a cook.

Elaine - A cook?

Kramer - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think those Fridge rats would have been good.

Silence and disgusted looks

Kramer - What? I accidentally got some cheese that they... you know... from them and I think it might have tasted a little better. Had a little bite to it.

Jerry - Anyway.. (rolling eyes at Kramer) Okay, so he’s a cook with thousands of rats. I see where this is going.

George - He wants to make his money, wants to get a little revenge and he can do both.

Jerry - It’s a little Pied Piper meets Barber of Seville. Meat pies I mean, not the hair cutting, neck splitting bit.

Elaine - Who is going to buy Rat pies?

George - He doesn’t tell them.

Jerry - Yeah, why would he tell them. Who doesn’t like meat stuffed inside a crust? When you are eating a Hot Pocket, it’s best if you don’t ask too many questions.


Kramer - (snaps) Gotta go! (walks out the door, slamming it behind him)

Elaine - You want to read this to children?  Hey kids this one is kind of like Ratatouille if little chef had been clumsy.

George - You think that is worse than the original?


Elaine - Rat Pocket!  You have a story about Rat Pockets!

Jerry - George has a point, in the original they guy came back and took all the kids. (in dumb guy voice)  Hop in the van kids, tell the rats to scoot over.  (normal voice) and we are not going to call then Rat Pockets.

Elaine - Ok, so it’s rat "meat pies".

Jerry - I can see the scene now, he’s feeding the little rats into a grinder. He imagining the people buys and loving the pies.

George - Making them eat the rats. Getting his revenge. He’ll show them. He’ll show those people.

Elaine - Isn’t that some kind of health code violation.

George - Who cares? He’s going to make them pay. (getting louder, into the idea) He loves that thought of ever bit of rat stuck between their teeth.

Jerry - Hold on, George, she’s got a point. Perhaps it escalates. Perhaps the inspector shows up.. (doing an official voice) So, what you got going on here with all these rats and the meat grinder? (back to his normal voice) Then one thing leads to another and he Fargo’s the guy.

George - Fargo?

Jerry - Fargo.

Elaine - You know into the wood chipper, but in this case it is into the pies.

Jerry - The next scene we see him slide a couple pies across the counter to one of the cheap families and taking a ten dollar bill from them.

George - Perfect. Let’s write it.

Jerry - Seems like a lot of work.  Do remember last time?

Elaine - No one is looking for a story like that anyway. It’s gross.

George - Well, all this talk of pies is making me hungry.

Jerry and Elaine - Really?

George - Diner?

Jerry - So, the thought of eat rats made you hungry?

George - (point to his belly) This thing has a mind of it’s own.

Kramer comes back into the apartment with a hot pocket in his mouth and one in his hand.

Kramer - (mumbling) You want a Hot Pocket? (extending it to George, then the others)

Jerry and Elaine - NO!

George shrugs and then takes the Hot Pocket.

End Scene