Justin - Fairytale

About the writing

When I write poetry, I play with lines and when I find something I like I write it down. When I write other stuff, like this, I play with it and play with it and consider myself 50% done before I ever put a word on the paper (or screen.) The challenge here was in creating a Seinfeldesque scene that fit with the motif of the show while rewriting a fairytale. I decided the best way was to have the characters rewrite the fairytale. I don’t know if I captured the voices of the four characters. Truth be told, I haven’t watched an episode of Seinfeld in years. At worst, I think I captured the overall spirit of the nonsensical conversations of the show if not the individual voices. Unlike last week’s infomercial, I tried to minimize stage business as the importance is in the conversation and not in an overall experience being painted. Besides, fans of Seinfeld will already have the scene in their heads. They will already picture the mannerisms of each character as I did while writing this.

Seinfeld and Cinderella

Interior day, Jerry’s apartment. Elaine and George are seated on opposite sides of the sofa; Jerry is standing at the kitchen island drinking a Snapple.

Elaine: So what happened this time Jerry.

Jerry: We were sitting at the restaurant, they had just brought out the soup and I started to tell her about the Soup Nazi and she just went nuts.

George: Nuts?

Jerry: Bananas! Crazy! She says this guy behind me is leering at her.

Elaine: She is very attractive.

George: Meh, I’ve seen better.

Elaine: (rolling her eyes at George) So, what did you do?

Jerry: What do you mean what did I do? I tried to get a look at what this leering looked like and I just see a normal couple having dinner.

Elaine: And?

Jerry: And she flipped out; she thought I should just stand up and go hit the guy.

Elaine: Did she actually say that?

Jerry: Yes she actually said that. She said If I wasn’t going to hit him I should at least tell him

that I would appreciate it if he would stop leering at my girlfriend.

Elaine: You know what your problem is, Jerr?

Jerry: I’d love to know, please tell me.

Elaine: You keep dating princesses.

Jerry: Princesses? Really?

Elaine: Yes really. You keep picking up fairy tale princesses that want a knight in shining armor to rescue them. You say you want a strong modern woman but then you pick up a princess.

George: I never understood the whole fairy tale princess thing.

Jerry: (walking around the island and standing behind a chair on Elaine’s end of the sofa) I’d love to hear about all that you don’t understand, but we have a movie to catch in three hours.

George: Ha ha. Seriously, take Cinderella for instance. Girl gets abused by her step mom and two step sisters, they try to steal her prince and where are they at the end. At the church for her wedding. She invited them to the wedding.

Jerry: Where they got their eyes pecked out by birds.

George: Sure, right God got them in the end. But she invited them to the wedding.

Jerry: So you would buy the story if they didn’t get invited.

George: Right, fairy godmothers and mice turning into horses, but I’m saying the most unbelievable part is they get invited to the wedding.

Kramer bursts in the door, goes immediately to the fridge and starts making a sandwich, they all watch in silent amusement.

Kramer: (looking up with the first bite in his mouth) what are we talking about?

Jerry: Are you hungry Kramer?

Kramer: (waving sandwich) no I’m good, thanks.

Elaine: George was just enlightening us as to how Cinderella should have ended.

Kramer: Are you crazy? Great ending. Boom! Right in the eyes!

George: (yelling) What are they doing at the wedding?

Kramer: They’re getting their eyes pecked out. Bang!

Jerry: George thinks they shouldn’t have been invited.

George: They shouldn’t have been there, either the prince should have had them executed or thrown in the dungeon, but no way they get a wedding invite. That’s all I’m saying.

Elaine: And there’s your problem Jerry.

George: What? It’s a better ending. What’s your problem?

Elaine: My problem is your fix is to have the prince fix it which is exactly what we were talking about. The man comes in and saves the day for the poor helpless girl.

Jerry: And a few years later, they’re sitting at a restaurant and he has to challenge some poor guy to a duel because she says he’s leering at her.

George: Like you could do better

Kramer: No she’s right. The world of fairy tales doesn’t have enough strong female role models.

They all look at Kramer incredulously

Kramer: What? I’m a feminist man. All the way.

Jerry: Really, Kramer? Really?

Kramer: Oh, yeah. I love strong women. Real strong.

Jerry: (shaking head) Tell us, Elaine, how do you fix Cinderella?

Elaine: Alright, so the day after the ball, they hear the prince is coming around to find this girl who dropped a shoe. Cinderella is cleaning the ashes out of the fireplace with one of those fireplace shovels…

George: What time is it?

Jerry: (looking at his watch) It’s 4:30.

George: No, in the story, what time is it?

Elaine: (annoyed) I don’t know, morning; after breakfast.

George: So why is she cleaning out ashes? That should have been done before breakfast then they would keep the fire going all day.

Jerry: These are your problems; wedding invitations and proper representation of medieval home life?

George: Look, if you want people to buy fairy godmothers and pumpkin coaches and the whole spiel, you need to have the details right. Nobody is going through the work of starting a fire to cook on three times a day.

Elaine: Fine. Either she is using a poker to tend the fire or she is cleaning out the ashes with a fireplace shovel depending on the time, ok?

Kramer: I think it’s called a hearth shovel.

Elaine: Shut up. No one cares what it’s called.

Kramer: I thought we were trying to get it right.

Jerry: Please, continue.

Elaine: So she’s listening to them plot, knowing that it’s her place they’re trying to steal and she says “that’s it.” She takes the poker or shovel or whatever and bashes their heads in then goes outside and puts on the slipper. Yada, yada, yada happily ever after.

Jerry: Just kills mom and the two sisters and goes and gets her prince?

Elaine: Yep.

George: So she’s splattered with blood, covered in ash, and just goes and gets her slipper and no one says anything? This is the improvement?

Elaine: Of course they say something, but she explains that she was stopping them from perpetrating fraud on the prince and the whole thing; all is forgiven, happily ever after. And now she doesn’t need rescuing out of her situation, she has her father’s house and she can choose whether to go with the prince or not. She’s independent.

George: What year is this taking place in?

Jerry: So you’re saying I need to find a woman willing to commit murder?

Elaine: Extenuating circumstances. You wouldn’t call it murder if this was Bruce Wayne instead of Cinderella.

Kramer: I like it, but BOOM! Right in the eyes. That was classic.

Elaine: Fine; while Cinderella is explaining herself to the prince, birds fly into the window and peck out the step mother’s and sisters’ eyes. Happy?

Jerry: Not really, no.

George: Meh.

Kramer: Yeah, right in the eye!