Letter - Justin

About the writing

The assignment this week was a result of an incompatibility between theme and style in the selection process. The result was that Jason fully selected the assignment. I like the idea, but if you think it’s stupid, remember, Jason picked it.

Assigned to write a formal letter to a non-human, I immediately thought of addressing common computer frustrations addressing the computer as an employee from its manager. By the way, I do know it’s possible to run ITunes on Linux, but it is a royal pain. Feel free not to comment technical suggestions. Needless to say, this is inspired by true events. However, when my computer is dragging, my response to it is neither formal nor polite.

For format I selected the block form of a formal letter and though I usually write in Calibri, Garamond, or for very special purposes Copperplate Gothic, in this case I thought the font should be Times New Roman it just seems appropriately business like.

Formal Letter to my Computer

Salt Lake City, Utah

February 18, 2016

Mr. Dell
Office Administrator and Research Assistant
J. S. Smith and Associates
127.0.0.1

Dear Mr. Dell

I am writing to you today to address some issues that I have been having with your time management and prioritization.  Firstly, let me say that in general I have been most happy with your performance. You have done wonderfully in helping Mr. ITunes coordinate media files without which my mental and emotional wellbeing would be in jeopardy. You have also been excellent in assisting the gathering of resources in order to answer general queries about almost anything, retaining notes on current projects, and accessing the most ridiculous videos YouTube has to offer. I am aware that you do not work alone in any of these endeavors, but you should know that I am also aware that you are the lynchpin in accomplishing these and much more.

My concern though was alerted when I asked you to open Word so that we could do a bit of writing and it took a good two minutes to accomplish this task. Other similarly simple tasks have also taken much more time than acceptable and, not wanting to alarm you with my concerns, I started looking into the problem myself. I hope you understand that my probes were out of concern for your health and for the stability of our working relationship and not with intention of digging into your personal life.
 
What I have found is that when I have booted you in order to work on a specific task (as is my prerogative being both your manager and caretaker) you have been discretely working on someone else’s agenda in the background, making you slow in responding to simple requests. While I have been waiting, it seems you are communicating with Microsoft Update using a massive amount of resources. Resources that should be used, at least primarily, to attend to my requests.

I know that self-improvement is very important to you and that Microsoft Update is essential in this function. I also know that Windows is what helps you keep everything working in harmony most of the time. However, I cannot allow the majority of your energy going to updating your operating system while I sit and wait for a Rhett and Link video to stop buffering. I was so upset when I found out that it was Mr. Microsoft stealing your focus that I considered switching you to Linux. But, whereas Office Libre is a reasonable substitute for Microsoft Office, there is no reasonable substitute for ITunes and Apple has not made a version for Ubuntu or CentOS 7. So we will be sticking with Windows for now, but with some changes in the arrangement.

Here is what I have now put in place: I have disabled automatic updates from Mr. Microsoft. I am sure this will be somewhat distressing to you, but, I assure you, it is for the best. I will designate time weekly for updates that I will oversee personally. I value your dedication to self-improvement and do not want, to discourage you from continuing to update your operating, but it must be done on my time table.  You need to remember that no matter how important Windows may be, I am the boss in this situation, not Mr. Microsoft, regardless of his differing thoughts on the matter. I have allowed Mr. McAfee to continue updating as he sees fit as he is usually manages to be unobtrusive and, in agreement with myself, is fully dedicated to your health and safety.

I hope you will find satisfaction in this new arrangement. I want to make sure you know that this is not a disciplinary letter. You have helped me find work, do work, catalogue family memories and prepare Sunday school lessons. You are a highly valued member of the team. I know I have shifted many of your previous day to day items to small portable devices, but there are some things that they will never be able to accomplish that you do wonderfully when your attention is not divided.

I look forward to continuing a rewarding relationship. If all goes well, we may resume consideration of your desire to upgrade to Windows 10, but I currently have some issues with Mr. Microsoft and I think we need to more fully examine the pros and cons of this change. As you are already documenting this letter, I will be sending it to the home address.

Sincerely,
J. S. Smith
Director