Trump - Jason

On the writing:

This week before we ever picked a topic I already had the notion to do a 5 minutes play.  When Justin picked Trump I was pretty excited.  The idea of using this character as a character seemed ripe for the picking.  It would be fair to say my mind was racing with ideas.  The one I settled on was a dinner party with Presidents across the generations, to juxtapose this "candidate" against people who held the office.  Once that was settled on I decided that, as much as I was able, I would use these peoples own words, modify quotes to make a dialogue between them.  This had one major flaw.  Trump.  In using his own words I found him hard to make funny.  I could make him ridiculous and sometimes frightening, but not funny.  In a way, this is made worse by placing him in a room with men who are too polite to tell him he does not belong there.  All in all this made for very tough writing, which is why this is late, and I am afraid the result is not what I was hoping for.  I hope if you read it, you can find something amusing.

 

Presidential Dinner Party

Cast

Thomas Jefferson - Third President of the United States, Founding Father and Host

Abraham Lincoln - Sixteenth President of the United States, Victor of the Civil War and

Dwight D. Eisenhower - Thirty Fourth President of the United States, Supreme Commander of Allied Forces during WWII

Donald J. Trump - Candidate in 2016 Election, Businessman and Billionaire

Play

Jefferson - I have withdrawn myself from all political intermeddling, to indulge the evening of my life with what have been the passions of every portion of it, books, science, my farms, my family and friends. to these every hour of the day is now devoted.  I make but one exception, and it is this.  I have by some miracle been able to pluck, as a farmer, choice fruits, Presidents of the United States, from across time and place them, for one evening, for one grand meal, at my humble Monticello.

Lincoln - All honor to you, sir! For it was you in our time of great need, in the concrete pressure of a struggle for national independence, who had the coolness, forecast, and capacity to introduce into a merely revolutionary document an abstract truth, applicable to all men at all times, and so to embalm it there, that today, and in all coming days, it should be a rebuke and a stumbling block to the very harbingers of reappearing tyranny and oppression.  You have called us choice fruits, but I believe you sir, are the prize.

Eisenhower - As has been reported, Mr. Lincoln, you carry yourself with exceeding humility.  I was once told a story, that your friends criticized you severely for allowing a mere General to treat you quite poorly. And you said, "All I want out of General McClellan is a victory, and if to hold his horse will bring it, I will gladly hold his horse."  That is a man who understands both the importance of humility and victory.

Trump - Speaking of victory.  Let’s just say we are all here because America wants to see winning. We want to see win, win, win – constant winning.  During my four years of glory I once have a crippled woman, ugly, say to me, “Please, Mr. President, we're winning too much. We can't stand it anymore. Can't we have a loss?”  I looked in her mangled face and said, “No, we're going to keep winning, winning, winning... because we're going to make America great again.”

Jefferson - Um, can I offer you some Montepulciano. This is among my very favorite wines, with habit having rendered the light and high flavored wines a necessary of life with me.

Lincoln - I tremble to think about what you suggest, President Trump, for I have long thought that America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.  So, how is it we came to destroy ourselves?

Trump - In a word, Mexicans and Muslims and other criminal types.  Consider it a continuation of your (to Eisenhower) Operation Wetback.  Great name.

Eisenhower - I think you misunderstand, that operation was about 1.3 million illegals, not immigrants.  The United States is born of many peoples. Our culture, our skills, our very aspirations have been shaped by immigrants and their sons and daughters.   Men of all nations and races and estates they have made us what we are.

Trump - Exactly! So, I opposed new people coming in.  All of them.  Shut the whole border down.  I wanted a wall.

Eisenhower -  Sir, I don’t think…

Lincoln - President Eisenhower, I am not sure you should be so greatly distressed.  Picking fights with Mexico has been a presidential pastime, even in my own time.  At least it seems he took only defensive action.

Trump - Now the Arabs, the Muslim problem.  I bombed those suckers.  Bombed the hell out of their oil fields.

(a bit of uncomfortable silence)

Eisenhower - President Trump, civilization, including American civilization, owes to the Islamic world some of its most important tools and achievements. From fundamental discoveries in medicine to the highest planes of astronomy, the Muslim genius has added much to the culture of all peoples. That genius has been a wellspring of science, commerce and the arts, and has provided for all of us many lessons in courage and in hospitality.

Trump - Look! Many, many, even most Muslims are wonderful people, but there is a Muslim problem.  Look what’s happening. Look what happened right here in my city with the World Trade Center and lots of other places.  It wasn’t people from Sweden who blew up the World trade Center.

Jefferson - I am alarmed here with the apprehensions of war and sincerely anxious that it could have been avoided, but not at the expense either of our faith or honor.  Would you not agree that neither Pagan nor Muslims nor Jew ought to be forced to war by the Commonwealth because of his religion?

Lincoln - To think we will be lost to bloodlust seems nearly the same as being overthrown.

Trump - I didn’t lose.  I don’t like losers.

Eisenhower - How far you can go without destroying from within what you are trying to defend from without?

Jefferson - Peace and friendship with all mankind is our wisest policy, and I wish we had the courage to pursue it.  The temper and folly of my enemies left me no choice.

Lincoln - I too have always found that mercy bears richer fruit than strict justice

Trump - Mercy doesn’t work.  It didn’t work for any of you.

Lincoln - I was unprepared to give up the Union for a peace which, so achieved, could not be of much duration.

Eisenhower - I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity.  War settles nothing.

Trump - I have been successful because when somebody challenges me, I fight back.  I am brutal.  Tough.

Jefferson - Perhaps this adversarial demeanor has worked thus far, but it appears these sages of letters are advocates for a change in your position.

Trump - Why would I change?  I’ve got the hottest brand in the world.

Lincoln - I don’t think much of a man who is not wiser than he was yesterday.  I believe I have had my fill.  If you will excuse me. (exits)

Jefferson - (to himself) I am afraid this gathering might not have been as carefully executed as I had hoped.  Perhaps swapping Reagan for Trump was a bad idea.

Eisenhower - President Trump, consider this. In most communities it is illegal to cry 'fire' in a crowded assembly. Should it not be considered serious international misconduct to manufacture a general war scare in an effort to achieve local political aims?

Trump - I had to follow my gut.  Our military needed to be strengthened.  Bigger is better.

Eisenhower - Had the Russian moved ahead of us?  The Chinese?

Trump - Actually, We were number one by a long distance, but it wasn’t enough.  No one does military like I do.

Eisenhower - I can imagine.  I apologize, President Jefferson, but I too need to be excused (exits).

Trump - Well, I guess that just leaves the geniuses.  The two of us.

Jefferson - Would you care for more wine?

Trump - You have been nicer to me than with of those other two.  They were much nicer on paper than in person.

Jefferson - In truth, politeness is artificial good humor, it covers the natural want of it, and ends by rendering habitual a substitute nearly equivalent to the real virtue.

Trump - Well, thank you.

Jefferson - Perhaps we should turn to something my agreeable, like gardening or books.  Do you happen to have a favorite?

Trump - “The Art of the Deal”

Jefferson - It must be by a contemporary of yours.  I have never heard of it.

Trump - I wrote it, so you know it is one of the best.

Jefferson - (after long consideration).  I believe I am being called, please enjoy the meal in my absence. (exits)

Trump - (taste the food) I’ve had better.