Trump - Justin

About the writing
The idea of a 5 minute play about Donald Trump was exciting. I thought I could pull some quotes and place them into a conversation and have comedy gold. The problem is people stopped laughing a while ago and while I can piece together some nice zingers there is a line where it just becomes mean or preachy. This was hard. In the end, the worst stuff that my character Trump says was said by the actual Trump. So if it remains mean it’s because my coauthor is a narcissistic douche bag that has a nearly constant stream of thought devoid verbal diarrhea flowing from his mouth which seems to only be further encouraged by his large group of followers who admire his honesty not realizing that it is really not a virtue if you are honestly just an ass. So, is it funny? That’s up to you. Is it a five minute play? Probably more of a 2 minute sketch. Maybe a swing and a miss, but that’s going to happen with these weekly writing assignments. I actually like it. It is nothing like what I had hoped for when it was assigned, but I think its ok.

INTERVIEW WITH TRUMP: a short play
Some people are saying that your brash shoot from the hip style might alienate voters; what do you think?
DT:​Alienate voters? Are you crazy? I could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters.
Some people might hear that as you calling your supporters dumb; like they would rather have a public murderer than a Washington insider.
DT:​No, I’m saying they’re so smart that they wouldn’t let a little thing like murder get in the way of them electing the greatest candidate in American history. Me. I the biggest thing they’ve ever seen.
Yes, I think lots of people think you are the biggest “thing” they’ve ever seen, but are you concerned that you might be pushing away some of the republican power brokers and jeopardizing future campaign contributions?
DT:​I don’t need anybody’s money. I’m using my own money. I’m not using the lobbyists. I’m not using donors. I don’t care. I’m really rich. That’s one of the great things about me is I’m really rich.
Om the other side of it, are you afraid that the working class might find you not relatable like they did Romney?
DT: You know why Romney was not relatable? He was too freakin’ nice; it was like having a freakin’ Osmond running for president. Remember when Dubya got caught on the mic calling that reporter an asshole? That’s what it takes, Romney wasn’t relatable because you couldn’t imagine him calling a reporter something even if they deserved it. I’m not afraid to call someone an asshole.
Or pig, dog, disgusting, you definitely don’t hold back even when what you say could be considered racist
DT:​What the hell do you mean by that? I am the least racist person there is. And I think most people that know me would tell you that. I am the least racist.
So you would hire an Hispanic as an office manager or an African-American as an accountant?
DT:​Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.
You don’t think that’s racist that you don’t want “black guys” counting your money?
DT:​Always with the gotchas. Look, Donald Trump only hires the best in his organization and the Jews are best with money; it has nothing to do with being anti-black. I have a great relationship with the blacks. I’ve always had a great relationship with the blacks. But everybody knows the best accountants are Jews.
Right even Hitler knew the Jews were good with money. What about the accusation that you’re anti-women are you afraid you may have trouble getting the female vote?
DT:​I don’t have a problem getting women to like me; women love me. All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. Women love me, really I don’t have a problem with women. I mean how could someone with such a problem with women have been married three times? I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I'm more honest and my women are more beautiful. I love women; women love me. Is this the crap you wanted to interview me about? Women and race baiting? How about some issues?
Ok. A lot of your critics say you have no experience in foreign policy and we can’t afford to have someone learning on the job, how do you answer that?
DT:​What do these experienced guys get us? When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, China in a trade deal? They kill us. I beat China all the time. I’ll tell you what else, I would take care of immigration. I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.
You don’t think that just comes off as a lot of bravado saying you’ll make them pay for it?
DT:​No it’s not, I’m a deal maker. I’ll tell you what else, I’ll get the Latino vote. They know I’m right.
What about the Middle East? Do you have any idea what you would do with ISIS?
DT:​I do know what to do and I would know how to bring ISIS to the table or, beyond that, defeat ISIS very quickly. And I’m not gonna tell you what it is.
So we should just trust you?
DT:​It’s better for them to not know. They’ve already endorsed Hillary. They’re scared out of their minds that I’m gonna get in there and get ahold of them. They’re shaking. Trust me.
So you think you would be better than former Secretary of State Clinton in the foreign relations department?
DT: ​Not just her, everybody. And not just foreign policy, I would be better at everything. What you need to remember is one of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace, good people don’t go into government. All these establishment people are jokes. Good people do not go into politics.
Well, at least we can be comforted that one thing won’t change under a Trump administration.