Justin- Favorite Quote

About the Writing

So I took a real situation and real people within that world and put them in a fake meeting. Operation Mongoose is one of the saddest, most bizarre happenings in covert U.S. operations. If Mel Brooks would have wrote a movie about it, his work would be mostly done before he started. I don't try to get heavy into the comedy here, I'm more pressing for what we look at as admirable in one situation, we don't in another setting.

The quote is the famous quote about Edison and lightbulbs, now applied to assassination.

Mongoose 

February 1963: in a small office in the inner ring of the Pentagon, three men meet to discuss discus progress of Operation Mongoose. Present are Gen. Edward Lansdale, USAF; William King Harvey, CIA; Kenneth P. O’Donnell, secretary to the President and de facto Chief of Staff.  

O’Donnell: Alright, gents, let’s get this going. The White House is overall happy with the results of Mongoose but the President wants to know what’s going on with the Castro part of it.

Lansdale: Kenny you got to realize that covert overthrowing of a regime by assassination or otherwise is a delicate business. If you want it done quickly you tell me and I’ll let a coupla’ bomber wings fly over Havana and be back to Miami in time for breakfast. But if Jack and Bobby want it quietly…

Harvey: That’s where my boys come in. Look we’re doing our best to keep all of this nice and quiet and untraceable.

O’Donnell: Bill, I’ve read the report, it reads like one of those cartoons with the coyote chasing the bird. Frankly, I’m wondering when we give up, now or after we walk off the cliff?

Lansdale: Kenny, your being shortsighted. You know what Ike used to say? “Pessimism never won a war.”

O’Donnell: Seriously Ed? Have you seen these reports? I know you’re overseeing the military side of this and some of the less delicate of the covert ops, but did you think you might want to keep an eye on what you partner from the agency was cooking.

Harvey: Kenny, I’ve been CIA since 47 and FBI before that, all during the war. Now I like Ed, I like working with him, but I don’t need a uniform telling me how to run a secret op.

Lansdale: And I don’t need a civilian telling me how to handle military operations, your boss being the exception of course, Kenny.

O’Donnell: Yes, of course, but let’s get to the business of killing Fidel; I’ve read what appears to be ten thousand hair-brained schemes cooked up, invested in and abandoned.

Harvey: Hair-brained is harsh, Ken. They’re creative, they’re outta the box…

O’Donnell: Way out of the box, let’s see, poisoned snorkel, poisoned cigar, poisoned coffee, poisoned tea, poisoned ink pen slash hypodermic needle, bacteria laden wet suit, exploding sea shells, exploding cigars, and, my favorite, crystals in his shoes that would make his beard fall out so that he would what? Die of Shame?

Lansdale: Kenny, you throw out all of the ideas at once like that and sure it looks crazy. They’re ideas man.

O’Donnell: No, General; not just ideas. Each of these was researched and developed and then halted at the last minute. Each of these the U.S. taxpayers paid a check to Acme Inc. only to find out it doesn’t work.

Lansdale: Whoa, really? Bill you really made exploding sea shells? Have you tried painting a fake tunnel to get him to run into?

Harvey: Funny Ed. Really, I’m dying over here. He’s an avid scuba diver, we were going to plant them at one of his favorite dive spots. So, yeah we looked at that and a couple of the other things.

O’Donnell: No, Bill, everything I listed has had at least some money put into it, not some, all.

Harvey: Hey, we all try different things sometimes they work sometimes they don’t, but we’ve only been working on this since, hmm, when was that, right the Bay of Pigs. Remind me how’d that go?

O’Donnell: It was a failure. After which the administration put you two in charge of a less direct solution. And yes much has succeeded but every morning I check the wires and Castro is still alive, still in charge of Cuba and still, regardless of your magic foot powder, bearded.  Are you ready to admit that you have also failed so maybe we can move on to some crazy idea like a sniper in a tower instead of exploding and or poisoned underpants?

Harvey: No, no I’m not. I have not failed; I have just found ten thousand ways that won’t work.

Jason - Favorite Quote

On the writing

I got this idea because of a Wikipedia “hack” I once encountered. In it they took Walt Disney’s information, changed his middle name to Adolph, and mixed his story with that of Hitler. It was wrong, but I could help but laugh at the proclaimed use of Small World as Nazi propaganda. So, for this week’s assignment I am telling the story of Walt Disney the new minister of propaganda to the Fuhrer. All of the lines he says are actually Walt Disney quotes, but you will see they take on quite a different feel in this context.

Propaganda

The men stood with stony expressions around the round table. They waited for the “new guy” to arrive. He was an American, which instantly made him untrustworthy, but Der Fuhrer had insisted. A new minister of Propaganda? Could this guy really move from Mickey Mouse, to Mighty Mauser? They each grumbled, but for now held their tongues. Some fiddled with the wooden arms of their chairs, but they did not dare sit when he could walk into the room at any time.

The clicking of the boots on stone could be heard long before the tall shadows crossed the threshold, which was a little before the two men entered the cabinet room. They stood in stark contract to one another. While they were similar in height, they could not have carried themselves any differently.The leader just a hair shorter in actual height, seemed bigger, seemed to carry them bother down the hall. He gravity, the sun all the men orbited. Disney, as an addition to the room, did not carry much weight. He smiled with a bit too much tooth. His sweater was light blue, pastel and it seemed to be a little big on him. A ray of sunshine in a storm.

“We mean no disrespect,” one of the dark suited and angry looking men said to Disney, as he took his place at the round table, “but why are you here?”

“Who, me?” he responded with arms flailing with a bit too much drama, “When you are curious you find lots of interesting things to do.” With that the cartoon maker kind of flopped in his chair and tapped the table with this thumbs and middle fingers. He looked like he was fantasizing about dancing elephants.

The men continued to stare at Disney, but it was their leader who asked the next question. “I thank you very much for accepting this position at my round table. There is much, with the relations we have with the public, I think you can do for us. I must ask, though, why did you say yes, Mr. Valt? Why did you agree to be my new minister of Propaganda?”

“You see, Mr. Hitler, even with all the opposition and the bad publicity, you are living by my motto. When you believe a thing, believe it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable. You have so many reasons to doubt, but you don’t. So, here I am.”

Hitler let an uncharacteristic smile cross his face and the men around the table, seemed to loosen up a little bit. They settled in and talked in coded language about the war effort since the Americans had joined in. The new minister of Propaganda, for his part, seemed to get lost in his sketchbook. The German men talked of ways to defeat the Americans and the American artist worked carefully on not paying that much attention.

“We don’t need to destroy the men, we just need to destroy their spirits.” said one of the chubbier men. He then looked as did the other to Disney, who right at that time was so focused that this tongue was held tightly between his lips.

“What?” he finally said, when he looked up because of the silence.

“How do we destroy the spirit of the Americans?”

With a flourish the artist flipped the sketch he had been working on around so all the artists could see. He had drawn a gross Distortion of Uncle Sam. The men couldn’t make out if it was a Dog or perhaps some man cow. Either way, they found it funny. Disney would have said Goofy. He looked to silly calling men to action.

“What is the message? Where are the words?”

“Of all our inventions for mass communication, pictures speak the most universally understood language.”

The men thought that understood the picture, but they had no idea how to get the message out. Moreover, they didn’t understand how this would break the will of Americans. That sat looking at the picture of Goofy dressed as Uncle Sam waiting for more.

The leader considered his appointment of Disney to this position and wondered if this was part of the genius. He worried he had made a grave mistake. He didn’t dare reveal that to his council.

“I love the work, but how do you suggest we drive the message home?”

“If you dream it, you can do it,” the artist coyly responded.

The leader unconsciously pulled his pistol off his belt and started fidgeting with it. It made everyone, except for Walt Disney, nervous, but they didn’t say anything.

The leader let the odd words sink in and checked to make sure the pistol was loaded. With the weapon open in his hand, while he was inspecting, he asked, “I certainly can dream it, as you say, but I don’t see how I can make this attack on the psyche a reality.”

“All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them,” he again answered without answering.

At this, Hitler reassembled the gun in his hand and rose to his feet. He realized what must be done. He silently walked into the next room. Disney watched him with a slight smile on his face. The door closed on the council and after just a bit of movement in the other room the characteristic sound of a handgun being fired was heard.

The men remaining around the table were quiet until the new guy started laughing. He was quiet at first, but it got louder and more out of control. They were destroyed and this American laughed.

“Are you so amused by the death of our leader?” They asked. “At our stoic nature? Our plight? What?”

“All of it,” he said, “This proves what I have always said. There is nothing funnier than the human animal.”

With that, with his work done. He picked up his pad, tucked his pen in his pants pocket and left.

Jason - Conflict

On the writing

I have to say when Justin and I started this exercise, I was not excited about all the poems I was certain he would have me writing. As time has gone on, though, I have learned to appreciate them. This one was no exception.

It was certainly a challenge to write a Ballade, with it's fairly demanding form, but I found myself staying up late and really enjoying getting the rhymes to work. The idea this week is about conflict, which is so broad, so I picked one that is also a bit of a allegory.

The Cave

The wrinkled priest cried of dangers hidden,
Of phantom beast that stalked from mountains west.
The shaded slopes were therefore forbidden
To leave them be was his request.
The thoughts this teased the priest could not have guessed.
With arms and map we sought our youth to shed.
Through thorn and leaf into the maul we pressed.
The cave then draped our souls with dread.

The vortex twisted capes letting chill in,
and freezing doubts, as worms, our minds infest.
The torch expired freeing the villain,
and fear of loss possessed.
Alone I found myself and blind, distressed.
No friend remained, the beast my flesh would shred,
The wage I earned when evil woke from rest.
The cave then draped my soul with dread.

The shards cut deep my form be not risen
The vile dark pressed down and I confessed,
Of pride and hopelessness, a forged prison.
Yielding I glimpsed a royal crest.
The kingly priest looked young and I was blessed.
He pulled the shade, I felt my words unsaid.
He took my place, the beast, it tore his breast.
The cave then draped his soul with dread.

But now the dreams disturb my fitful rest,
I think upon the priest who must be dead.
With that exchange his perfect love expressed,
And that cave still drapes my soul with dread.

Justin - Conflict

About the writing

Let’s start by talking about the form ballade. A ballade is a 14th Century French form and the best examples of it are (wait for it) in French and from the 14th and 15th centuries. Chaucer would be considered the English language master of the form but his typically did not have the envoi, the four-line stanza at the end. I did not know most of that when I selected the form last week, rather I selected it for one reason; Edwin Arlington Robinson’s Ballade of a Ship. Robinson was a 19th and 20th century American poet who wrote in traditional forms with meter and rhyme when it was no longer popular to do so. He is my poetic hero and the reason I selected this archaic form.

The actual writing was rather difficult. I decided to start with the repeated refrain and build around it, which didn’t work. I worked on lines for four different concepts concerning the topic of conflict before I settled into this one. I’m leaving the conflict unnamed because I think there is more than one read and I sometimes like to leave it to the reader.

Also, I usually try to punctuate my poetry. I actually enjoy punctuation in regular writing, but I hate doing it in poetry, so I decided I didn’t have to. Though difficult, I really like this form. Second to the sonnet, it may be my favorite.

Ballade of the Flood

In this forsaken broken land
Where we for table scraps have fought
We find no treasure in our hand
Seeking what should not be sought
Bound up in chains our hands have wrought
When brothers spilled their brothers’ blood
Building fire to fight the hot
Holding a cup to catch the flood

Willingly we take the brand
Of masters who have given naught
Lying where we ought to stand
Standing for what we ought not
And for our brothers give no thought
Though trudging through the same thick mud
For self alone we plan and plot
Holding a cup to catch the flood

As fools we build upon the sand
Not knowing why our work is fraught
Build castles of delusions grand
And chase that which cannot be caught
And if by fancies we’re besot
We will not see the gushing blood
Pretending all is as it ought
Holding a cup to catch the flood

Suppose though that we might be taught
That love between the selfish bud
Together working to fix our lot
All holding cups to catch the flood

Jason - Fairytale

On the writing:

The fun in writing a Seinfeld skit is the dialog. The show really nails a flowing and funny banter that has a personality all it’s own. That made it a little hard to pick a fairytale to riff with, but when I considered the things George, Elaine, Kramer and Jerry could get into I thought, “Rat extermination,” So, with that thought in mind I selected the Pied Piper. I am certainly no Larry David or Jerry Seinfeld, but I hope you enjoy it all the same.

Pied Piper’s Bad Ending

Scene opens in Jerry’s apartment. Jerry and George on the couch. Elaine is on the arm of the chair and Kramer is going through Jerry’s fridge.

Kramer - (kicks the door) I think the milk has gone bad! (puts the milk back in the fridge)

Jerry - Than don’t put it back in there. Is there something wrong with the food in your own fridge.

George - You still have the little… you know.

Elaine - What?

George - You don’t know?

Elaine - Know what?

George - Rats!

Elaine - Rats?

Kramer - Yeah, Rats. I had fridge rats.

Elaine - fridge rats?

Jerry - What is a fridge rat?

Kramer - It is what the guy from Pied Piper called them?

Jerry - You paid didn’t you?

George - Don’t pay that guy, he has you convinced there are fridge rats. Who ever heard of fridge rats?

Kramer - I haven’t paid him yet.

George - Don’t!

Jerry - Uh, oh. You know what happened the last time someone didn’t pay a Pied Piper.

George - Stupidest Fairytale ever! I mean they guy is brilliant, does and bang up job and then the village won’t pay. Why won’t they pay? They not like his tune? Picky about the hours he kept? What? It’s not like he not some guy acting like an expert, curing fridge rats. Don’t pay that fridge rat pied piper.

Elaine - The village was cheap, like you, George.

George - I'm not cheap.

Kramer - Cheap?

Elaine - Yeah, they didn’t pay because they were cheap.  Real cheap.  Your friend who is slow to the wallet, cheap.

Jerry - But he got his revenge, didn’t he?

George - But it doesn’t make any sense. Why take the kids? If you think you were poor when you didn’t get paid .. Baaaah! Stupid!

Elaine - You guys wrote a pilot. How would you end it?

Jerry - It was a show about nothing.  Really, just pitched an idea, about a show about nothing.

Elaine - It’s just a fairy tale. Come on, it’ll be fun.

Kramer starts pacing behind the couch.

Kramer - I can see it now. The rats are gone, the flute music is still in the air and they won’t pay. He’s mad. Real mad. (getting louder) Oh, boy he’s mad.

George - Yeah, yeah, yeah.  So he starts plotting. (He starts talking with his hands, swirling around his head) He gets thinking, what does he have? He has his flute playing.

Jerry - But, he’s done the flute thing. The flute thing is boring. It’s loud pest control.

Elaine - He’s got rats.

Kramer - Dozens of them.

Elaine - Thousands of them.

George - Perhaps he can do something with them. Maybe he is a cook.

Elaine - A cook?

Kramer - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think those Fridge rats would have been good.

Silence and disgusted looks

Kramer - What? I accidentally got some cheese that they... you know... from them and I think it might have tasted a little better. Had a little bite to it.

Jerry - Anyway.. (rolling eyes at Kramer) Okay, so he’s a cook with thousands of rats. I see where this is going.

George - He wants to make his money, wants to get a little revenge and he can do both.

Jerry - It’s a little Pied Piper meets Barber of Seville. Meat pies I mean, not the hair cutting, neck splitting bit.

Elaine - Who is going to buy Rat pies?

George - He doesn’t tell them.

Jerry - Yeah, why would he tell them. Who doesn’t like meat stuffed inside a crust? When you are eating a Hot Pocket, it’s best if you don’t ask too many questions.


Kramer - (snaps) Gotta go! (walks out the door, slamming it behind him)

Elaine - You want to read this to children?  Hey kids this one is kind of like Ratatouille if little chef had been clumsy.

George - You think that is worse than the original?


Elaine - Rat Pocket!  You have a story about Rat Pockets!

Jerry - George has a point, in the original they guy came back and took all the kids. (in dumb guy voice)  Hop in the van kids, tell the rats to scoot over.  (normal voice) and we are not going to call then Rat Pockets.

Elaine - Ok, so it’s rat "meat pies".

Jerry - I can see the scene now, he’s feeding the little rats into a grinder. He imagining the people buys and loving the pies.

George - Making them eat the rats. Getting his revenge. He’ll show them. He’ll show those people.

Elaine - Isn’t that some kind of health code violation.

George - Who cares? He’s going to make them pay. (getting louder, into the idea) He loves that thought of ever bit of rat stuck between their teeth.

Jerry - Hold on, George, she’s got a point. Perhaps it escalates. Perhaps the inspector shows up.. (doing an official voice) So, what you got going on here with all these rats and the meat grinder? (back to his normal voice) Then one thing leads to another and he Fargo’s the guy.

George - Fargo?

Jerry - Fargo.

Elaine - You know into the wood chipper, but in this case it is into the pies.

Jerry - The next scene we see him slide a couple pies across the counter to one of the cheap families and taking a ten dollar bill from them.

George - Perfect. Let’s write it.

Jerry - Seems like a lot of work.  Do remember last time?

Elaine - No one is looking for a story like that anyway. It’s gross.

George - Well, all this talk of pies is making me hungry.

Jerry and Elaine - Really?

George - Diner?

Jerry - So, the thought of eat rats made you hungry?

George - (point to his belly) This thing has a mind of it’s own.

Kramer comes back into the apartment with a hot pocket in his mouth and one in his hand.

Kramer - (mumbling) You want a Hot Pocket? (extending it to George, then the others)

Jerry and Elaine - NO!

George shrugs and then takes the Hot Pocket.

End Scene

Justin - Fairytale

About the writing

When I write poetry, I play with lines and when I find something I like I write it down. When I write other stuff, like this, I play with it and play with it and consider myself 50% done before I ever put a word on the paper (or screen.) The challenge here was in creating a Seinfeldesque scene that fit with the motif of the show while rewriting a fairytale. I decided the best way was to have the characters rewrite the fairytale. I don’t know if I captured the voices of the four characters. Truth be told, I haven’t watched an episode of Seinfeld in years. At worst, I think I captured the overall spirit of the nonsensical conversations of the show if not the individual voices. Unlike last week’s infomercial, I tried to minimize stage business as the importance is in the conversation and not in an overall experience being painted. Besides, fans of Seinfeld will already have the scene in their heads. They will already picture the mannerisms of each character as I did while writing this.

Seinfeld and Cinderella

Interior day, Jerry’s apartment. Elaine and George are seated on opposite sides of the sofa; Jerry is standing at the kitchen island drinking a Snapple.

Elaine: So what happened this time Jerry.

Jerry: We were sitting at the restaurant, they had just brought out the soup and I started to tell her about the Soup Nazi and she just went nuts.

George: Nuts?

Jerry: Bananas! Crazy! She says this guy behind me is leering at her.

Elaine: She is very attractive.

George: Meh, I’ve seen better.

Elaine: (rolling her eyes at George) So, what did you do?

Jerry: What do you mean what did I do? I tried to get a look at what this leering looked like and I just see a normal couple having dinner.

Elaine: And?

Jerry: And she flipped out; she thought I should just stand up and go hit the guy.

Elaine: Did she actually say that?

Jerry: Yes she actually said that. She said If I wasn’t going to hit him I should at least tell him

that I would appreciate it if he would stop leering at my girlfriend.

Elaine: You know what your problem is, Jerr?

Jerry: I’d love to know, please tell me.

Elaine: You keep dating princesses.

Jerry: Princesses? Really?

Elaine: Yes really. You keep picking up fairy tale princesses that want a knight in shining armor to rescue them. You say you want a strong modern woman but then you pick up a princess.

George: I never understood the whole fairy tale princess thing.

Jerry: (walking around the island and standing behind a chair on Elaine’s end of the sofa) I’d love to hear about all that you don’t understand, but we have a movie to catch in three hours.

George: Ha ha. Seriously, take Cinderella for instance. Girl gets abused by her step mom and two step sisters, they try to steal her prince and where are they at the end. At the church for her wedding. She invited them to the wedding.

Jerry: Where they got their eyes pecked out by birds.

George: Sure, right God got them in the end. But she invited them to the wedding.

Jerry: So you would buy the story if they didn’t get invited.

George: Right, fairy godmothers and mice turning into horses, but I’m saying the most unbelievable part is they get invited to the wedding.

Kramer bursts in the door, goes immediately to the fridge and starts making a sandwich, they all watch in silent amusement.

Kramer: (looking up with the first bite in his mouth) what are we talking about?

Jerry: Are you hungry Kramer?

Kramer: (waving sandwich) no I’m good, thanks.

Elaine: George was just enlightening us as to how Cinderella should have ended.

Kramer: Are you crazy? Great ending. Boom! Right in the eyes!

George: (yelling) What are they doing at the wedding?

Kramer: They’re getting their eyes pecked out. Bang!

Jerry: George thinks they shouldn’t have been invited.

George: They shouldn’t have been there, either the prince should have had them executed or thrown in the dungeon, but no way they get a wedding invite. That’s all I’m saying.

Elaine: And there’s your problem Jerry.

George: What? It’s a better ending. What’s your problem?

Elaine: My problem is your fix is to have the prince fix it which is exactly what we were talking about. The man comes in and saves the day for the poor helpless girl.

Jerry: And a few years later, they’re sitting at a restaurant and he has to challenge some poor guy to a duel because she says he’s leering at her.

George: Like you could do better

Kramer: No she’s right. The world of fairy tales doesn’t have enough strong female role models.

They all look at Kramer incredulously

Kramer: What? I’m a feminist man. All the way.

Jerry: Really, Kramer? Really?

Kramer: Oh, yeah. I love strong women. Real strong.

Jerry: (shaking head) Tell us, Elaine, how do you fix Cinderella?

Elaine: Alright, so the day after the ball, they hear the prince is coming around to find this girl who dropped a shoe. Cinderella is cleaning the ashes out of the fireplace with one of those fireplace shovels…

George: What time is it?

Jerry: (looking at his watch) It’s 4:30.

George: No, in the story, what time is it?

Elaine: (annoyed) I don’t know, morning; after breakfast.

George: So why is she cleaning out ashes? That should have been done before breakfast then they would keep the fire going all day.

Jerry: These are your problems; wedding invitations and proper representation of medieval home life?

George: Look, if you want people to buy fairy godmothers and pumpkin coaches and the whole spiel, you need to have the details right. Nobody is going through the work of starting a fire to cook on three times a day.

Elaine: Fine. Either she is using a poker to tend the fire or she is cleaning out the ashes with a fireplace shovel depending on the time, ok?

Kramer: I think it’s called a hearth shovel.

Elaine: Shut up. No one cares what it’s called.

Kramer: I thought we were trying to get it right.

Jerry: Please, continue.

Elaine: So she’s listening to them plot, knowing that it’s her place they’re trying to steal and she says “that’s it.” She takes the poker or shovel or whatever and bashes their heads in then goes outside and puts on the slipper. Yada, yada, yada happily ever after.

Jerry: Just kills mom and the two sisters and goes and gets her prince?

Elaine: Yep.

George: So she’s splattered with blood, covered in ash, and just goes and gets her slipper and no one says anything? This is the improvement?

Elaine: Of course they say something, but she explains that she was stopping them from perpetrating fraud on the prince and the whole thing; all is forgiven, happily ever after. And now she doesn’t need rescuing out of her situation, she has her father’s house and she can choose whether to go with the prince or not. She’s independent.

George: What year is this taking place in?

Jerry: So you’re saying I need to find a woman willing to commit murder?

Elaine: Extenuating circumstances. You wouldn’t call it murder if this was Bruce Wayne instead of Cinderella.

Kramer: I like it, but BOOM! Right in the eyes. That was classic.

Elaine: Fine; while Cinderella is explaining herself to the prince, birds fly into the window and peck out the step mother’s and sisters’ eyes. Happy?

Jerry: Not really, no.

George: Meh.

Kramer: Yeah, right in the eye!

Jason - Cooking

On the writing

I have to say this week was an interesting one.  I have never before written an infomercial.  I tried to channel my inner "Vince" the Shamwow/slap chop spokesman.  But I also tried to stick to the premise of cooking.  At that point the only thing I needed was something to cooking, something so foul sounding it would take an infomercial to have anyone try it.  After a little recipe hunting I knew I found my recipe:



http://allrecipes.com/recipe/14265/prune-whip/

Prune Whip

Hi, it's Jason with Prune Whip!

You’re going to be in a great mood all day, because you’re going be whipping your troubles away with the Prune Whip.

Now, look here’s a prune. One prune and you got a recipe for some unbundling, two prunes and your scale is going to love you. Look at this when you add a sugar and heat: the more it softens, the sweeter it gets. You don’t have to worry about any off putting taste.

Now, you love salad -- you hate chewing it. You know you hate chewing salads -- that’s why you don’t have any salad in your diet. Watch this one prune... better than salad! Whip it! No chewing.

You’re going to change your eating habits. Juice, Grapefruit, stuff to purge. No more! With Prune Whip, 5 seconds. 4 or 5 seconds, it's done.

This thing, this cheese looks obstructing. Stop having obstructing cheese, stop having an obstructing life. Eat this cheese putting it in, chewing it, like this. Now, you’re going to have a chaser, just like cocktail night, Prune Whip. Look at this you’re going to have an unobstructed life now.

Look here’s six egg whites. One whip, two whips, whip until frothy. Add that cream of tartar, that’s right we are going to stiffen this right up. And what you can do is fold these things together those warm sugary prunes and these whipped whites. Who doesn’t like a whipped white?

You’re going to love my whip. Watch this: a glass, a bowl. It’ll pour, but it can stand right up too. Comes with variety so you can do it however you like. Alright, or you can eat it in the Lazy Boy, wherever you like. So flexible, you can change the whole profile by baking it a little, the. Serving with whipped cream. Who would have thought, whipped prunes under some whipped cream, fantastic. Kids can do it, too. Kids want it! You know what they charge at the ice cream store? And what do you get, bloated and rotten teeth? Same ice cream dish, tastes basically the same, but better. Add a few nuts if you want. Stop throwing your money away. Stop throwing your health away. Enjoy the whip now and you will not only be satisfied, but you’ll be lighter in an hour. Who doesn't like that? More beautiful than ice cream.

"The reason you’re going to whip away everyday is cause it's so easy. One. Two, and the caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Now these other ones you see on food network. All the stores want to have this. You can’t beat it! Forget about it. Now take this Prune Whip, toss it back, and you feel it start to work. The magma is churning.

It's very quick -- it's a time saver all the way around.

Take it, it is like it washes, cleaning you completely. Good! To! Go!

It's easy, a bowl, a spoon, and whip.

Now here’s the deal when you buy the Prune Whip kit we’re going to give you the prunes. We're going to give you the sugar and the nuts. All of that in the container. But that is not all, the sponsors have added products, too. Charmin. What can I say? Don’t squeeze the Charmin, whip the prunes. Just bang it. Put it in the fridge, take it out when you need it. Pass it around the table. You’re going to love this thing. The whole family is going to love this thing. Kids, aunts, uncles. My grandma is a huge fan. Who doesn’t want to keep grandma happy? The Prune Whip kit sells for 19.95, but if you call now, within the next 20 minutes -- you know we can’t do this all day. You’re going to get a second kit absolutely free -- just pay processing. So that’s two for 19.95. now here’s how to order...

Justin - Cooking

About the writing

I had been holding on to the idea of writing an infomercial for a while; when Jason gave the topic of cooking, the time was right. If you’ve watched many infomercials, you may see that I have also. I wanted to touch on things like the cheesy banter between the hosts, the solving of problems that aren’t there,the exaggeration of the problems that are there and the pop science graphics. Because infomercials are visual, description of action and camera was necessary and so this is a fairly long piece. So, around the 1200 word mark I actually ended it at the most famous of all infomercial lines.

I should note, part of my inspiration was Joey’s infomercial about the milk carton from Friends and my Chef Jerry is heavily inspired by the great infomercial Chef Tony.

This was a ton of fun and I probably could have ran it out, but if you’ve seen as many infomercials as I have, you know that 20 minutes of the 30 is a repetition of the first 5 minutes. I didn’t want to tax our readers (or myself) by writing out 30 minutes’ worth of repetition. I’ll leave that for the 2 AM crowd.

Slicker-Coat Cookware

Shot of hand picking up stainless steel skillet from stove, turning pan to dump two fried eggs onto a plate. Eggs do not move. The hand shakes the pan up and down with increasing violence until pan hits the plate breaking it. Yolks of eggs break and drip on broken plate; whites still stuck firmly to the bottom of the pan.
Voice over: Has this ever happened to you? Or this?

Cut to man holding a skillet over a lit gas range. He sprays cooking spray on to the pan which promptly ignites in flame as does his shirt sleeve. He drops the burning pan and runs out of shot waving his arms over his head, still ablaze.

Voice over: There’s got to be a better way.

Cut to studio kitchen where two men stand behind a kitchen island. One is wearing a black shirt and red apron the other a white chef’s jacket and hat.

Fred: There is a better way. Hi, I’m Fred Wertios and this is Chef Jerry and we’re here to talk to you about the best new thing to hit your kitchen since the food processor. Now Jerry, you’re a trained chef, have you ever had problems like the ones we’ve just seen.

Jerry: I sure have Fred, that’s why I worked with a professional chemist to develop the entirely new non-stick coating for my new line of cookware.

Fred: And we’ll hear more about that in just a minute Jerry, but first, let’s talk about what inspired you to solve this age-old problem.

Jerry: Funny you say “age-old” Fred. You know I was talking to this guy that said a friend of his, who is an archeologist, told him that they’ve found shards of pottery cookware in a dig site in Israel that still had eggs sticking on them.

Fred: Wow! That’s something. That’s a real sticky problem.

Jerry: It sure is Fred. Now I remember what grandma used to do is she’d have a can of grease on the stove that she would save from whenever she cooked bacon.

Fred: My grandmother did that too.

Jerry: I’m sure most of our audience’s grandma’s did too.

Cut to studio audience nodding their heads with a few audibly saying “yes”

Jerry: So grandma would just put a spoon of grease in the pan and the eggs wouldn’t stick.

Fred: Right but then your eggs taste like bacon; who wants that?

Jerry: EGGS-actly Fred. You’re sitting there with your sausage gravy and biscuits and the eggs taste like bacon and there’s no bacon on the table.

Fred: Not to mention the added fat.

Jerry: (patting belly) Which most of us don’t need.

Cut to audience chuckling, one woman is patting the belly of her husband, both laughing good naturedly
Fred: That’s why they invented the low fat cooking spray.

Jerry: Oh yeah, house fire in a can I call them

Replays man dropping burning pan and running away ablaze this time in black and white slightly slowed down.

Fred: What do we do Chef; non-stick?

Jerry: If it’s my new Slicker-Coat Xpress, than yes.

Fred: Slicker-Coat Xpress; that sounds expensive. What’s wrong with Teflon?

Jerry: Let’s see

Cut to scene of man stirring a breakfast hash in a Teflon skillet with a metal spatula.

Jerry: (voice over clip) one of the big problems with Teflon is that you are only supposed to use plastic utensils with it, most people don’t even know that. The metal actually chips away the coating and you end up eating the pan.

Camera goes into a close up as the man serves out some of the hash on a plate. Black flakes are clearly visible.

Back to studio.

Fred: Didn’t I read something about Teflon also releasing toxic fumes during cooking.

Jerry: You probably did. But my super polymer developed by a professional chemist is not only slipperier than Teflon, it also has shown no signs of breaking down throughout most of your average thermal cooking range.

Fred: That’s very comforting. I mean, I have kids, I don’t want them eating polymers or breathing them.

Jerry: And now they won’t have to. With my new Slicker-Coat Xpress pans.

Jerry holds up a 12” stainless skillet with an orange surface inside.

Fred: That pan has to cost at least $100.

Jerry: Will talk about cost in a bit, Fred. Let’s talk about breakfast.

Jerry places the pan on the cooktop and cracks in 2 eggs. Turning up the heat.

Fred: While I’m waiting for my breakfast, let’s see how this works.

Animation of a metallic surface cutaway with multiple grooves.

Voice Over: metal has natural scratches and grooves that catch onto food while cooking.

Close up of skillet from opening scene being shaken with eggs sticking firm now in black and white and slightly slowed.

Back to animation no showing yellow coating filling grooves and covering surface.

Voice Over: Oils and grease fills these grooves, but what about the taste.

Cut to man taking a mouthful of eggs, making a face like he just smelled a fart and spitting the eggs all over the table.

Animation now black balls are rolling over the top of surface occasionally melting into a groove, but most stay on top.
Voice Over: Teflon coating smoothed out that surface some, but the molecules were too big to fill them all.

Black balls are replaced with slightly orange balls that bounce around and then melt into all the grooves.The animation flashes and the word “Slicker-Coat” appears above the surface.
Back to studio kitchen.

Jerry: Now watch this.

Jerry picks up the pan off of the cooktop and starts swirling> Cut to close up of pan as eggs move freely in a circle around the pan.

Jerry: No tests have indicated that this surface will scratch or flake; it’s a brand new product! So

A metal spatula enters the shot and turns one of the eggs. A slight orange tint is visible on the cooked side.
Jerry: Metal is completely ok to use.

Fred: I noticed the egg is orangish in color.

Cut to wide shot

Jerry: That’s the color of a natural egg not tainted by greases of Teflon. If you could cook an egg without using any pan at all, that’s what it would look like.

Fred: Wow! I never knew that.

Jerry: How could you? This is new technology. This is the nearest we will ever come to a non-surface to cook in. Are you ready to taste what an egg should taste like?

Jerry puts the eggs on 2 plates. They each take one and a fork and take a bite.

Fred: It’s like nothing I’ve ever tried before. If this is what an egg is supposed to taste like, I’ve never had eggs before.

Jerry: And remember, there is no evidence of flaking or scratching and this polymer has shown no signs of break down throughout most of the average cooking thermal range and no proven links to irritable bowel or colon cancer.

Fred: That really is a great comfort, but can I afford it?

Jerry: For just 3 easy payments of $29.99 how can you afford to pass it up?

Fred: 3 easy payments of $29.99

Jerry: But wait; there’s more….