Can you help me? Hmm, that is a bit of a
question. Can you? I don’t know if you can help me or not; I don’t your skill
set or knowledge base.
Here’s the problem, I’ve been standing here
staring at the ridiculous amount of choices in toilet paper for the last
twenty-three minutes and I am no closer to a decision than when I came in here.
I remember going to the store with my mom when I was a kid and I am pretty sure
there was like three types of toilet paper. There are now nine types of
Charmin. Nine, right here on your shelf, nine. What is that? Are our various
sphincter needs so diverse that we need this many options? Is this a matter of
wiping styles or a matter of various metabolisms or diet? I’m curious because maybe
I’ve been using my paper the wrong way or using the wrong paper for the job. I
can tell by your expression that we are out of your expertise, that red vest
didn’t come with training in personal care product engineering, so let’s assume
it is simply a matter of preference and move on.
So you
have Ultra soft. No thanks; that stuff just shreds and pills. You need to wipe
after you wipe. This seems like a reactionary response to the old John Wayne
toilet paper. I get you don’t want sandpaper, but this is too far the other
way. I just want a happy medium.
Now ultra-strong: the sound of that alone
scares me. I mean I want strong toilet paper, single ply is completely out of
the question (I was using single ply once and I hadn’t trimmed my nails in a
while and, well, without being too improper, there was scraping,) but do I need
Ultra strong? Have you seen this commercial where they wet this stuff and lift
up weights with it? That seems like it was designed for something other than
what I intend to use it for. Are there really jobs that people are doing with
this that requires that level of tensile strength? If you need something that
tough, use a paper towel.
Who decided we needed mega rolls? I get it;
twice as much toilet paper means you have half the chance that the last guy
left you stranded. What I see though is twenty pounds of soaking mess when my
kid drops a whole roll in the toilet because the damned thing will not fit on
the roll dispenser and they can’t see why balancing it on top of the roller directly
over a bowl of water is a bad idea. Actually, they do that with normal size
rolls that will fit on the dispenser; children are awful. They are also the
reason I have to buy toilet paper so often, beyond dropping the roll; you’d
think they were eating the stuff. The worst.
What’s this? Sensitive, with lotion? You have
got to be kidding. I got blindsided once by one of those Puffs with lotion, it
felt like I’d rubbed a piece of bacon on my nose. I can only imagine the
pleasant feeling of walking around with my crack greased. Ugh. How long do you
think it took them to find the balance between “this tissue contains lotion”
and “this tissue feels like it was previously used?” I’m thinking it’s a fine
line and one I would prefer to stay far away from entirely, especially when we
are dealing with down there and not my face.
I mean, if you’re going to use TP with lotion,
you might as well go for these flushable wet wipes. Also not my cup of tea. When
one of my kids was in diapers I bought some mango scented wipes, it was
horrible. Again, who thinks this is a good idea? Now the scent of mango is
permanently tied to dirty diapers. It’s not like the scent covers up the smell
of baby poop. It’s like those freshener sprays that just mix with whatever foul
odor you’re trying to kill. We had one we called “shinilla” because after
spraying it smelled like vanilla and...Well, you get it.
Is there no such thing as regular toilet paper
anymore? How hard should it be to select a product to remove excrement from my
backside? How many options should we have for wiping ours butts? Our
grandparents used a page out of the Sears and Roebuck catalogue that was shipped
to their houses for free; why am I trying so hard to spend money on something
for this purpose? WHY?
Never mind, you can’t help me. I’m going to
the dollar store where they have one type of toilet paper. If the kids drop one
of those in the toilet, I’m out a quarter, no big deal.
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